I’ve been watching human behavior for decades now, and let me tell you—sometimes the smallest habits can create the biggest barriers between us and the people we care about. I often reflect on the interactions I’ve had throughout the week, and I’ve started noticing patterns.
If you’ve ever wondered why conversations feel strained, or why people seem less enthusiastic around you, it might be worth taking a closer look at some of these subtle habits.
1. Constantly checking your phone during conversations
Picture this: you’re having coffee with a friend, and every few minutes, their eyes drift down to their phone. How does that make you feel?
This behavior—called “phubbing” (phone snubbing)—has become so common. But that doesn’t make it okay.
Healthline reports that almost a third of people say they get phubbed (you know, ignored while someone stares at their phone) a couple times every day. That’s a lot of people feeling ignored and undervalued.
“Phubbing has real consequences on your relationships, with research reporting that phubbing negatively affects intimacy and closeness in romantic partnerships” as noted by LaKeisha Fleming in post on Very Well Mind.
I get it. Our phones are designed to grab our attention. But when we prioritize that little screen over the person sitting right in front of us, we’re sending a clear message: “You’re not important enough to have my full attention.”
Next time you’re with someone, try putting your phone face down or, better yet, in another room entirely. You’ll be amazed at how much more engaged your conversations become.
2. Dominating every conversation
We all know that person who turns every story into their own story. You mention your vacation, and suddenly they’re telling you about their trip to Europe. You share a work frustration, and they launch into their own career saga.
Dale Carnegie, in his timeless book How to Win Friends & Influence People, tells us that “You can’t win an argument. You can’t because if you lose it, you lose it; and if you win it, you lose it”.
I’d say the same principle applies to conversations. If you’re constantly trying to “win” by having the better story, the more interesting experience, or the final word, you’re actually losing something far more valuable: genuine connection.
There’s an old saying that Epictetus shared: “We have two ears and one mouth, so we should listen twice as much as we speak”. Simple wisdom, but so hard to practice in our age of constant chatter.
When someone shares something with you, resist the urge to immediately respond with your own experience. Instead, ask a follow-up question. Show genuine curiosity about their story. You’ll be surprised how much people appreciate feeling truly heard.
3. Always looking for what’s wrong instead of what’s right
Some people have developed a habit of scanning every situation for problems, mistakes, or things to criticize. They’re like walking quality control inspectors, always finding fault.
Dr. John Gottman, in his relationship research, noted something fascinating: “There’s a habit of mind that the masters have… They are scanning social environments for things they can appreciate and say ‘thank you’ for… Disasters are scanning the social environment for partners’ mistakes”. While he was talking about romantic relationships, I’d say it applies to all our interactions.
Think about it: would you rather spend time with someone who notices when you’ve done something well, or someone who only points out your mistakes?
I learned this lesson the hard way during my working years. I had a colleague who could find fault with anything—the temperature in the room, the way meetings were run, the quality of the coffee. People started avoiding him, not because he was a bad person, but because being around him felt draining.
Try this: for one week, make it a point to notice and comment on something positive in every interaction. A coworker’s good idea, a friend’s new haircut, a stranger’s kindness. Watch how people respond.
4. Forgetting people’s names (and not caring enough to remember)
Dale Carnegie also said that “a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language”. Yet how many of us introduce ourselves to someone and forget their name within minutes?
I used to be terrible at this. I’d meet someone at a social gathering, chat for ten minutes, and then spend the rest of the evening avoiding them because I couldn’t remember their name.
Forgetting someone’s name once is human. Forgetting it repeatedly, or worse, not even trying to remember it, sends a message that they don’t matter enough to you to make that small effort.
When someone tells you their name, repeat it back immediately. “Nice to meet you, Sarah.” Use it naturally in conversation. If you forget, don’t be embarrassed to ask again. Most people appreciate the honesty and the effort.
5. Being chronically late or canceling at the last minute
I know life gets complicated. Things come up. But if you’re always the person who shows up twenty minutes late, or who cancels plans at the last minute, you’re creating a reputation for being unreliable.
People start to feel like they can’t count on you. They might still like you, but they’ll be less likely to include you in future plans or trust you with important things.
This was a hard lesson for me to learn. In my younger days, I had a casual relationship with time. I thought fifteen minutes late was basically on time. It wasn’t until a close friend called me out on it that I realized how disrespectful it was.
Now I aim to be five minutes early to everything. It’s a small change that’s made a big difference in how people perceive me.
6. Giving unsolicited advice
This one hits close to home for me. As someone who’s lived through quite a bit and learned from plenty of mistakes, I sometimes have the urge to share my wisdom whether it’s wanted or not.
But here’s the thing: most of the time, when people share their problems, they’re not looking for solutions. They’re looking for understanding, support, or just someone to listen.
When we immediately jump in with advice, we can come across as condescending or dismissive of their ability to handle their own problems. It’s like we’re saying, “Here, let me fix that for you because clearly you can’t figure it out yourself.”
I’ve learned to ask a simple question: “Do you want me to just listen, or are you looking for suggestions?” It’s amazing how often people just want to be heard.
The beauty of this approach is that when people do want advice, they’ll specifically ask for it. And when they do, they’re much more likely to actually listen and apply what you share.
Final thoughts
The truth is, most of these habits come from good intentions. We check our phones because we want to stay connected. We share our own stories because we want to relate. We offer advice because we want to help.
But sometimes, our good intentions can have unintended consequences. The key is awareness.
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized that being liked isn’t about being perfect or having all the right answers. It’s about making people feel valued, heard, and respected. And sometimes, that means changing some of our most ingrained habits.
So here’s my challenge to you: pick one of these habits that resonates with you, and work on it for the next week. Notice how people respond differently when you’re fully present, when you listen more than you speak, or when you remember their name.
You might be surprised at how such small changes can transform your relationships.
