We all have that friend we’ve grown apart from, or perhaps no longer call a friend. It’s an unfortunate yet inevitable part of life. But what if you’re the friend people tend to drift away from?
One day, sitting alone in my office after another friend had distanced themselves from me, I started wondering about the patterns. Why was I regularly losing friends? Was there something wrong with me?
That’s when I decided to dive deep into the science of psychology. I needed to understand what was going wrong, and guess what? I found seven key behaviors that were causing the disconnect.
In this article, I will be sharing these insights with you. This is an exploration of those seven behaviors that may be causing you to regularly lose friends, according to psychology.
Let’s get ahead and see if you recognize any of these behaviors in yourself. After all, awareness is the first step towards change.
1) Lack of empathy
This was the first behavior that struck me when I started my research. It’s a common thread among people who regularly lose friends: a lack of empathy.
Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of others. It’s about putting yourself in someone else’s shoes and seeing things from their perspective.
But what if you struggle with this? I know I did. I was so caught up in my own world that I often overlooked the emotions of those around me.
Psychology tells us that this lack of empathy can be a major stumbling block in maintaining friendships. After all, who wants to be friends with someone who doesn’t seem to care about their feelings?
The good news is, empathy can be learned and developed. Start by really listening when people talk. Try to understand their perspective without immediately jumping in with your own thoughts or advice.
Remember, it’s not about agreeing with them all the time, but about showing them that you genuinely care about their feelings and experiences. This simple shift can help you build stronger, more lasting friendships.
2) Constant negativity
I remember a time when I was always complaining or pointing out the negatives in every situation. I thought I was just being realistic. But then a friend said to me, “Hey, it’s draining to be around you sometimes”.
That hit me hard.
It made me reflect on my behavior and I realized that I was indeed spreading negativity like a contagious virus.
Famous psychologist Dr. Martin Seligman once said, “When we take time to notice the things that go right – it means we’re getting a lot of little rewards throughout the day”.
His words resonated with me, and I began to understand how my constant focus on what was going wrong was damaging my relationships. It was time for a change.
I started by consciously making an effort to notice and talk about the positive aspects of things more often. It wasn’t easy, but with time, I noticed a shift. Not only did my friends appreciate this new version of me, but I also started feeling happier and more content with life.
3) Lack of communication
Communication, or the lack thereof, was another big issue that I identified in my relationships.
I’ve always been more of a listener than a talker. But over time, I realized this was causing my friends to feel like they didn’t really know me.
I remember one particular incident when a close friend was going through a tough time. Instead of opening up about my own struggles to let her know she wasn’t alone, I kept quiet and simply offered words of comfort.
Later, she told me that she felt like I couldn’t truly understand her pain because I never shared my own. That’s when it hit me: my lack of communication was creating a barrier in my friendships.
From that day on, I made an effort to be more open and vulnerable with my friends. It wasn’t easy; opening up about personal issues can feel uncomfortable and scary. But the more I did it, the easier it became.
And the result? My friendships deepened, and my friends started feeling more comfortable sharing their own struggles with me too.
4) Not following through on commitments
Another behavior that can lead to losing friends is not following through on commitments. This was a tough one for me to swallow, as I had always prided myself on being reliable.
However, there was a period in my life when I was juggling too many things at once. In an effort to please everyone, I found myself overcommitting and inevitably under-delivering.
A study from the University of Chicago (2011) showed that people who are unreliable, or who break promises, are perceived as less socially valuable.
Essentially, if you’re seen as someone who can’t be trusted to follow through, people might start distancing themselves from you.
This revelation made me rethink how I managed my time and commitments. I started being more realistic about what I could handle and made sure to follow through on the promises I made.
The lesson here is clear: If you want to maintain your friendships, it’s crucial to be someone your friends can rely on. Be careful about making commitments, and once you’ve made them, do everything in your power to follow through.
5) Being overly critical
Criticism, when used constructively, can help us grow and improve. But when it’s constant and harsh, it can damage relationships and erode trust.
I remember a time when I was particularly critical of a friend’s career choices. I thought I was helping by pointing out what I thought were flaws in his plans. But what I didn’t realize was that my constant criticism was hurting him and our friendship.
It’s important to remember that everyone is on their own unique journey, and what works for one person may not work for another.
So, instead of jumping in with criticism, try offering support and understanding. Ask questions to better understand their perspective before offering your opinion.
Your friends will appreciate your respect for their autonomy and your relationship will be stronger for it.
6) Lack of self-awareness
I’ll be honest, there was a time when I wasn’t very self-aware. I didn’t understand how my actions and words affected those around me. And it cost me some friendships.
Famous psychologist Daniel Goleman says, “Self-awareness is the first component of emotional intelligence.” He suggests that recognizing our own emotions is the first step towards managing them effectively.
When I came across this quote, it resonated deeply with me. I started working on my self-awareness, paying attention to how I reacted in different situations, how I communicated, and how my actions affected others.
With time, I noticed a significant improvement in my relationships. My friends appreciated my newfound understanding and consideration for their feelings.
So, if you’re someone who struggles with self-awareness, think of Goleman’s words. Start paying attention to your behavior and emotions. It could be the key to maintaining and improving your friendships.
7) Trying too hard to be liked
It seems counterintuitive, right? Shouldn’t making an effort to be likable help you keep friends?
Well, not necessarily. In my younger years, I used to bend over backwards to please others, often at the expense of my own needs and values. I thought that by being a people pleaser, I would have more friends.
But here’s the thing: true friendship is based on authenticity, not on a performance.
When we try too hard to be liked, we often end up losing ourselves and our authenticity in the process. And people can sense that. They are drawn to those who are genuine and true to themselves.
Here’s a practical tip: The next time you find yourself agreeing with someone just for the sake of being liked, take a pause. Ask yourself if you truly agree or if you’re just trying to please them.
Remember, it’s okay to have differing opinions. That’s what makes us unique.
Conclusion
Navigating friendships can be tough, especially if you find yourself constantly losing friends. But by recognizing and addressing these seven behaviors, you can pave the way for healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
No one is perfect and we all make mistakes. The key is to learn from them and strive for growth.
Here’s my final piece of advice: Start by picking one behavior that you relate to the most and focus on changing that. Small, consistent changes often lead to big results.
Finally, be patient with yourself. Changing behavioral patterns takes time. But with persistence and self-awareness, you can become the kind of friend that others cherish.
