There’s a fine line between assertiveness and narcissism.
Narcissists have a knack for delivering harsh words, cloaked in reasonable sounding phrases. They’re masters at bending reality to suit their needs, making their cruelty sound justified.
It’s important to recognize these phrases, as it can be the first step in maintaining your emotional well-being.
In this article, we’ll unravel seven common phrases narcissists use to make their harsh behavior seem rational. We’ll help you decipher their language, ensuring you’re not swayed by their seemingly logical arguments.
Understanding these phrases isn’t just about spotting a narcissist, it’s about protecting yourself and promoting open, honest communication. Let’s dive in.
1) “I’m just being honest”
One of the most common tactics in the narcissist’s playbook is veiled cruelty under the guise of honesty.
Narcissists often claim they’re just being honest or straightforward, using this as a cover to deliver cutting remarks or harsh criticism. The idea is to create a sense of guilt in the recipient, making them feel as if they’re oversensitive for reacting to the criticism.
“I’m just being honest” is their way of washing their hands of any responsibility for the hurt they’ve caused, putting the blame on you for not being able to handle their ‘truth’.
In essence, this phrase is a classic diversion tactic. It’s less about honesty and more about making you question your own reactions. By declaring their intention was honesty, they shift focus away from their cruelty and onto your response.
But remember, there’s a stark difference between honesty and cruelty. Honesty doesn’t need to be harsh or unkind – it can be delivered with care and respect.
2) “You’re too sensitive”
Ever been told that you’re too sensitive? I have, and let me tell you, it’s a classic phrase narcissists use to make their cruelty sound acceptable.
Here’s what happened: I had a boss who would constantly pick at my work, pointing out the smallest flaws in front of the entire team. Nothing I did ever seemed good enough. One day, I mustered up the courage to confront him about it.
His response? “You’re too sensitive. I’m only trying to help you improve.”
This phrase is a narcissist’s way of invalidating your feelings and gaslighting you into thinking that you’re the one with the problem, not them. It’s a subtle way of shifting blame and avoiding responsibility for their actions.
Here’s the thing – your feelings are valid. If someone’s words or actions hurt you, it’s okay to acknowledge that. It’s okay to stand up for yourself. You’re not being “too sensitive”, you’re simply refusing to accept toxic behavior.
3) “I never said that”
This phrase is a prime example of gaslighting, a psychological manipulation technique narcissists often use to make you question your own memory and perception of reality.
In fact, the term “gaslighting” comes from a 1944 film called “Gaslight”, where a man manipulates his wife into believing she’s going insane by subtly changing elements of her environment and then denying it.
“I never said that” is a way for narcissists to deny their previous cruel statements, even if you distinctly remember them saying it. This denial can cause you to doubt your memory, which in turn causes a loss of self-confidence and increased dependency on the narcissist.
It’s important to trust your own memory and perceptions. If you feel like you’re being gaslit, it might be helpful to keep a record of conversations or confrontations as evidence and reminder of what actually happened.
4) “You’re overreacting”
Another deceptively simple phrase narcissists use to mask their cruelty is, “You’re overreacting”.
This is their way of minimizing your feelings and suggesting that your reaction to their behavior is exaggerated or unreasonable.
It’s a cleverly disguised attempt to control how you respond to their actions, making you second-guess yourself and feel guilty for reacting in the first place.
Here’s the truth – how you feel and react to a situation is personal to you and no one else has the right to dictate that. If something upsets you, it’s okay to express that. Being told that you’re overreacting is a classic manipulation tactic used to belittle your feelings.
Your emotions are valid, and no one should make you feel otherwise.
5) “I was only joking”
Humor can be a wonderful thing – it can lighten the mood, bring people together, and even help us cope with stress. But in the hands of a narcissist, it can turn into a weapon.
One day, a friend of mine made a cruel comment about my appearance. When I expressed my hurt, they quickly brushed it off saying, “I was only joking”. The intention was clear: to make me feel silly for reacting to a ‘joke’.
This phrase is a classic way narcissists disguise their insults and belittling comments. By passing off their cruelty as humor, they make it seem like you’re the one who can’t take a joke.
Let me tell you this – humor should never come at the expense of someone’s feelings. A joke that hurts isn’t a joke at all. Always trust your feelings and don’t let anyone disguise their cruelty as humor.
6) “You misunderstood me”
Narcissists often use the phrase, “You misunderstood me”, to shift the blame from their cruel words onto your perceived inability to understand.
This phrase is a clever way of evading responsibility for their hurtful comments, placing the burden on you to decipher their ‘true’ intentions.
It makes you question your comprehension skills and distracts from the original issue – their cruelty.
However, clear communication is a two-way street. If someone consistently tells you that you’ve misunderstood them, it may be less about your comprehension skills and more about their inability to communicate effectively or honestly.
So, next time you’re told “You misunderstood me”, consider whether it’s a genuine miscommunication or an evasion tactic.
7) “It’s for your own good”
Lastly, one of the most disguised phrases narcissists use is, “It’s for your own good”. They use this to justify their cruel actions or harsh words, making it seem as if they are acting out of concern for your well-being.
But remember this – actions or words that hurt you, belittle you, or make you feel less than are never for your own good.
No matter how they’re packaged, they are still acts of cruelty. Healthy advice or constructive criticism should uplift you, not tear you down.
Your feelings are valid, and it’s okay to protect yourself from toxicity, even if it comes dressed in concern.
Final thoughts: It’s about understanding
The complexities of human behavior are often a blend of psychology, experience, and sometimes, an unhealthy dose of manipulation. Recognizing these nuances can be a vital step towards maintaining emotional well-being.
Understanding the phrases narcissists use to make their cruelty sound reasonable isn’t just about labeling or pointing fingers.
It’s about equipping ourselves with knowledge and creating a shield of awareness. It’s about ensuring that we don’t fall prey to manipulation that can harm our self-esteem and emotional health.
Whether it’s someone saying “You’re overreacting” or “I was only joking”, recognizing these phrases can provide an opportunity for introspection and growth. It’s a chance to affirm that your feelings are valid, and no one has the right to belittle them under the guise of reason.
The psychologist Carl Rogers once said, “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”
By understanding these phrases and acknowledging the impact they have on us, we’re taking the first step towards self-acceptance, change, and ultimately, better emotional health.
You see, your feelings are your own. They’re real, they’re valid, and they deserve respect. Don’t let anyone convince you otherwise.
