Over the years, I’ve come to believe that many parents, even the most devoted ones, carry quiet regrets.
Not because they didn’t love their children enough, but because love alone doesn’t come with a roadmap.
Sometimes, we’re doing our best with a blurry compass.
Some of these regrets don’t come to light until much later, maybe when the house is quiet, or when our grown children say something that hits a little too close to home.
Other times, we carry them for decades, hoping they’ll fade, though they rarely do.
Let’s talk about them.
1. Not being more emotionally available
This one hits close to home. I grew up in an era where men didn’t really talk about feelings. And when I became a father myself, I brought some of that into my parenting.
I wasn’t cold. I wasn’t absent. But I definitely wasn’t as emotionally tuned in as I could have been.
Many parents quietly regret not creating more space for emotional honesty in their homes especially with their sons, who are so often told (directly or indirectly) to “toughen up.”
We may have dismissed our children’s sadness as drama or brushed off their anxiety as overreacting. We thought we were helping them “be strong.”
But what we were really doing was teaching them to bottle things up.
“Children are like emotional Geiger counters,” says psychologist E. Mark Cummings. They pick up on our emotional availability—or lack of it—even when we think we’re hiding it well.
Looking back, I wish I had been slower to speak and quicker to listen.
I wish I had asked, “How are you feeling?” more often.
2. Overcompensating for what we didn’t have
Here’s the thing about parenting: we all bring our own childhood into it.
If we grew up with little, we may have worked ourselves ragged trying to give our kids everything—the gadgets, the branded sneakers, the private tutoring, the packed weekends.
But here’s what many parents admit to themselves (though not out loud): in trying to give our kids everything we didn’t have, we sometimes forgot to give them the things we did have.
Simpler things. Unstructured time. Spontaneous play. Long, aimless conversations on the porch.
I’ve spoken to plenty of parents who now wonder if their kids grew up more entitled than grateful, more entertained than engaged.
I’m not saying we shouldn’t try to give our kids more than we had. That’s a natural instinct.
But sometimes, we confuse abundance with connection, and those aren’t the same thing.
3. Relying too heavily on fear-based discipline
I’ll be honest. Back in the day, discipline often meant shouting or punishment.
“Because I said so!” was a phrase I used more than I’d care to admit. It felt effective in the moment, but now I understand that compliance and understanding aren’t the same thing.
Many parents later regret using fear, shame, or intimidation as parenting tools.
Yes, we may have had good intentions—raising respectful kids, keeping them safe—but fear-based parenting creates long shadows.
It makes children feel like love is conditional.
As psychology professor Vanessa LoBue points out, “parents’ own anxiety and household stress have been linked to their children’s emotional problems, including behavior issues, aggression, anxiety, and depression.”
When I softened my approach with my grandkids—calmer tone, more reasoning, less anger—I saw something unexpected.
They listened more. They talked more. And they trusted me more.
4. Not encouraging them to make more of their own mistakes
If there’s one thing grandparents learn quickly, it’s how hard it is not to step in when you see a child about to stumble.
But I’ve come to see that some of my biggest regrets as a parent came from doing too much, not too little.
It’s natural to want to shield your kids from pain.
But if we’re always clearing the path for them, solving their problems, smoothing out their friendships, rescuing them from consequences, they never get the chance to stretch their decision-making muscles.
I remember when my son forgot his science project at home. I rushed back to deliver it. Years later, he told me he wished I hadn’t. “Maybe I would’ve learned to be more responsible,” he said.
Letting our kids face the consequences of their actions when the stakes are still small, is one of the hardest and most important things we can do.
5. Putting too much emphasis on achievement
We all love seeing our kids shine. Report cards on the fridge. Trophies on the shelf. Praise from other parents.
But sometimes, we overdo it.
When every compliment is tied to grades, goals, or wins, children begin to internalize a dangerous message: “I’m only worthy when I succeed.”
Research shows that “praising kids for being smart can actually hurt their motivation more than praising them for working hard.”
I didn’t know that back then. I thought telling my kids they were clever or talented would boost their confidence.
Turns out, it made them fear failure even more.
These days, I try to praise effort, kindness, creativity, and curiosity—things they can control, things that last.
6. Failing to model healthy boundaries
We like to think of parenting as a one-way street—what we give to our children. But we forget how much they learn from simply watching us.
Looking back, I realize I wasn’t always great at modeling boundaries.
I’d say yes to things I didn’t want to do. I’d bottle up stress. I’d stretch myself thin trying to be everything to everyone.
Children who grow up without seeing healthy boundaries in action often struggle to set them in adulthood. They become people-pleasers or conflict-avoiders.
And many parents later wish they had shown their kids how to protect their own time, space, and energy.
A healthy parent says, “I love you, but I need 15 minutes to myself right now.” It might seem small, but it speaks volumes.
7. Not talking about our own mistakes
We work so hard to look like we’ve got it all together in front of our kids. But the truth is, pretending to be perfect only creates distance.
One of the most powerful parenting tools is simple honesty.
Admitting, “I lost my temper, and I’m sorry,” or “I was wrong about that,” teaches kids that growth doesn’t stop at adulthood.
It shows them that making mistakes is human and repair is possible.
One of the best gifts we can give our children is permission to be imperfect. That starts by showing them how we handle our own imperfections.
As Winston Churchill once said, “All men make mistakes, but only wise men learn from their mistakes.”
The same goes for our kids. And they’ll learn to do it by watching us.
Final thoughts
Parenting isn’t a game of getting everything right. It’s about showing up—again and again—with love, honesty, and a willingness to learn.
If any of these points hit a nerve, take it as a sign you’re reflecting—and that’s never a bad thing.
Regret doesn’t need to weigh us down. It can point us in a better direction. Toward deeper conversations. Stronger bonds. Maybe even a few heartfelt apologies.
And the good news? It’s never too late to be the parent your child still needs you to be.
