Sometimes it’s hard to distinguish between someone who’s genuinely kind and someone who’s just putting on a show. Just because they’re nice to your face doesn’t mean they have your best interests at heart.
This can be a tricky line to navigate. Especially when you want to believe that people are as wonderful as they seem.
But don’t worry, I’m here to help you see through the facade. Let’s uncover those seven little red flags that suggest someone isn’t as kind-hearted as they appear.
Remember, it’s all about the subtle cues. And once you know what to look for, you’ll be better equipped to surround yourself with people who truly value your well-being.
1) They’re only nice when it suits them
Kindness isn’t a switch that you turn on and off depending on the situation. It’s consistent. It’s genuine. It’s who you are regardless of who’s watching or what you stand to gain.
But there are people who’ll put on a friendly face when it serves their purpose and drop the act as soon as they’ve got what they wanted. It’s a classic sign of manipulation, not kindness.
Just think about it. We’ve all met someone like this at some point in our lives. They’re all smiles and compliments when they need a favor.
But once they’ve got what they need, they’re suddenly too busy to lend a hand when you’re the one in need.
That’s not kindness. That’s a transaction.
True kindness is about giving without expecting anything in return. It’s about helping others because you genuinely want to, not because you see an opportunity for personal gain.
Watch out for those who can only find the time to be nice when it suits them. Chances are, they’re not as kind as they seem.
2) They don’t respect your boundaries
Respecting boundaries is a cornerstone of kindness. But not everyone understands this.
I remember a former colleague of mine. Let’s call her Sarah. Sarah was always nice to me – always ready with a friendly greeting and a smile. But I started to notice something off.
She would often drop by my desk unannounced, disrupting my workflow to chat about things that were irrelevant to work.
Even after I expressed that I was swamped and needed to focus, she’d still keep coming, disregarding my need for space and concentration.
Initially, I thought she was just being friendly. But the more it happened, the more I realized that it wasn’t about being friendly. It was about her needs and wants, without any consideration for mine.
That’s when it hit me: A genuinely kind person would respect my boundaries. They wouldn’t trample over them just because it suits them.
Remember, someone who doesn’t respect your boundaries, no matter how nice they might seem, may not be as kind as they appear.
3) Their actions don’t match their words
Kindness isn’t just about what we say, it’s about what we do. And if someone’s actions aren’t lining up with their words, it’s a surefire sign they’re not as kind-hearted as they appear.
For instance, someone might tell you they’re all for animal rights and welfare.
But if they’re turning a blind eye to animal cruelty, or even participating in activities that harm animals, their actions are clearly contradicting their words.
According to research, people who frequently engage in prosocial behavior — acts that benefit others — tend to be happier and have better mental health. However, this only holds true when their actions align with their values and beliefs.
If you notice a disconnect between someone’s words and deeds, take it as a red flag. Genuine kindness involves integrity — walking the talk, not just talking the talk.
4) They lack empathy
Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of others. It’s a vital component of kindness. Without it, any show of friendliness or benevolence is just that – a show.
Someone who lacks empathy won’t be able to truly relate to your experiences or emotions. They might brush off your problems or belittle your feelings, often because they can’t, or won’t, put themselves in your shoes.
Just imagine you’re going through a tough time and you confide in a friend.
But instead of offering support or understanding, they dismiss your feelings or even worse, make light of your situation. That’s not kindness – that’s indifference.
Remember, someone who can’t empathize with others is missing a key ingredient to being a kind person. So keep an eye out for those who struggle to express genuine empathy – it’s a telling sign of their true character.
5) They’re quick to judge
We all have our moments of judgement – it’s part of being human. But there’s a difference between occasional lapses and a consistent pattern of judgement.
A couple of years ago, I went through a phase where I was struggling with my self-esteem. I was overly critical of myself, second-guessing every decision I made. It was a tough time, and I needed support from the people around me.
I remember confiding in a friend who seemed to be kind and understanding. However, instead of providing reassurance or support, she was quick to judge and criticize my decisions.
That’s when I realized that kindness isn’t just about being nice when things are going well. It’s about offering support and understanding when things are tough, instead of passing judgement.
A genuinely kind person knows that everyone has their own battles to fight, and they strive to be supportive rather than judgemental. So be wary of those who are quick to pass judgement – their niceness might just be a facade.
6) They gossip about others
Gossiping is a clear indicator of a lack of kindness. It’s one thing to share information, but it’s a whole other thing to spread rumors or talk negatively about others behind their backs.
A person who gossips about others is likely more interested in stirring up drama than building meaningful, supportive relationships.
They might seem nice to you, but if they’re talking about others in a derogatory manner, it’s only a matter of time before they do the same about you.
True kindness means treating everyone with respect, whether they’re present or not.
Remember, a genuinely kind person speaks positively about others or chooses not to speak about them at all. So if you find yourself in the company of a gossip, consider it a warning sign.
7) They’re not kind to themselves
This might seem surprising, but it’s true. How someone treats themselves is a strong indicator of their inherent kindness.
Someone who is harsh and unforgiving towards themselves is likely to extend the same treatment to others.
Kindness begins from within. If a person can’t extend compassion and understanding to themselves, it’s unlikely they can genuinely offer it to others.
If you notice someone constantly belittling themselves or failing to take care of their own needs, take it as a sign. True kindness involves being as good to yourself as you are to others.
Final thought: The essence of kindness
When it comes down to it, kindness is more than just a facade of niceties. It’s a deep-rooted trait that is reflected in our actions, words, and even in how we treat ourselves.
According to research conducted by the University of California, Berkeley, kindness and empathy have a significant impact on our health and longevity.
In essence, being kind is not just beneficial for those around us, but also for ourselves.
It’s important to remember that genuine kindness cannot be faked.
It’s evident in the respect we show to others, our willingness to help without expecting anything in return, our capacity for empathy, and our ability to refrain from judgement or gossip.
The next time you encounter someone who seems nice, take a moment to observe their actions and behaviours. Are they truly kind? Or is it just an act? Remember these seven signs, and trust your instincts.
After all, in the grand scheme of things, surrounding ourselves with genuinely kind people can make all the difference.
