There’s a unique story behind every individual, shaped by their past and the kind of upbringing they had.
Growing up with little emotional support can leave its mark, manifesting in subtle behaviors that might not be immediately obvious to others.
In this article, I’m going to explore seven of these quiet signs, behaviors that hint at a past lacking in emotional nurture and support.
It’s important to note that these behaviors aren’t about assigning blame or dwelling on the past. Instead, they’re about understanding ourselves and others better, in order to build stronger relationships and offer the support we all need.
While we often focus on the power of words, sometimes it’s the silent actions – the ones we aren’t even aware we’re doing – that can communicate volumes about our inner world.
So, let’s delve into these subtle behaviors and shed some light on this often overlooked subject.
1) Emotional self-sufficiency
One of the most common traits found in individuals who grew up with little emotional support is a strong sense of emotional self-sufficiency.
This isn’t about being indifferent or uncaring. Rather, it’s about having learned from a young age to rely on oneself for emotional stability and comfort.
Imagine a child who’s had to navigate their emotions without a guiding hand, learning to soothe themselves and manage their feelings independently. This can often result in an adult who seemingly needs very little emotional input from others.
While this might look like strength – and indeed it is a form of resilience – it can also create difficulties in forming deep, emotional connections with others. They might struggle with vulnerability, finding it hard to open up and share their feelings.
2) Overachieving
Being an overachiever is another subtle behavior often noticed in those who grew up with scarce emotional support. Striving to excel in every aspect of life can be a way of seeking external validation when internal emotional support is lacking.
I’ll share a personal example. Growing up, I was always the kid who shot for the stars. Straight A’s, team captain, volunteering – you name it, I was there. On the surface, it looked like ambition. But looking back now, it wasn’t just about achieving goals.
It was a relentless pursuit for validation and approval, a way to compensate for the emotional support I wasn’t getting at home. Every achievement was a cry for recognition, a plea for acknowledgement that I mattered.
Being an overachiever isn’t inherently bad. It can drive us to accomplish great things. But when it’s fueled by a lack of emotional support, it can also lead to burnout and an unhealthy dependence on external validation.
3) Difficulty in accepting help
A person who grew up with little emotional support often has a hard time accepting assistance from others. This can be traced back to their early experiences where they had to fend for themselves emotionally.
This behavior is rooted in their learned self-reliance. They’ve become so accustomed to dealing with problems on their own that the idea of seeking or accepting help can seem foreign, even uncomfortable.
A study found that individuals who received inconsistent emotional support in childhood were found to be more likely to reject help in adulthood. This suggests that our early experiences can significantly shape how we interact with others later in life.
Recognizing this can be key to understanding and supporting individuals who struggle with accepting help. It’s about being patient and gently encouraging them to let others in, demonstrating that it’s okay to lean on others sometimes.
4) Hyper-vigilance
Hyper-vigilance is another subtle behavior that can be seen in individuals who grew up without much emotional support.
This constant state of alertness is usually a result of having to always be on guard, anticipating and managing their own needs because they learned early on not to rely on others for emotional comfort.
Such individuals are often highly attuned to their surroundings and the emotions of others. They can pick up on the slightest changes in mood, tone, or behavior, which can sometimes lead to anxiety or stress.
While hyper-vigilance can make them great empathizers, understanding and relating to others’ emotions deeply, it can also be emotionally draining.
Being aware of this behavior is crucial.
This heightened state of sensitivity can help us interact with them in a more mindful and considerate way, and offer them the emotional reassurance they might not have received growing up.
5) Overthinking
Overthinking is another behavior common among those who experienced little emotional support in their formative years.
When you’ve had to manage your emotions largely by yourself, it’s easy to fall into a pattern of overanalyzing every situation, conversation, or interaction.
I remember countless nights staying awake, replaying conversations in my head, questioning my words, my actions, the reactions of others. It was exhausting but seemed necessary. It was my way of trying to understand and control the world around me.
But overthinking doesn’t lead to clarity or control. It often leads to confusion and anxiety. Recognizing this behavior is the first step towards breaking the cycle.
With awareness comes the ability to challenge these thought patterns and cultivate healthier ways of processing emotions.
6) Difficulty expressing emotions
Expressing emotions openly and honestly can be challenging for individuals who grew up with little emotional support.
They might have learned to suppress their feelings as a coping mechanism, perhaps because their feelings were ignored, invalidated, or met with negativity in the past.
As a result, they might struggle to identify what they’re feeling, let alone express it to others. This can lead to misunderstandings or difficulties in their relationships as they might come across as distant or unemotional.
Understanding this behavior is important for creating a space where they feel safe and accepted to express their emotions. It’s about patience, empathy, and offering them the emotional validation they may have missed out on in their early years.
7) Fear of intimacy
Fear of intimacy is a common trait in individuals who lacked emotional support while growing up. They might have developed a fear of getting too close to others, associating intimacy with vulnerability and potential pain.
Opening up and trusting others can feel risky, especially if their past experiences have taught them that their emotional needs might not be met. This fear can hold them back from forming deep, meaningful relationships.
Awareness is the key. Recognizing this fear can help in creating a secure, non-judgmental environment where they feel safe to let down their guards and foster genuine connections.
It’s a journey, but one that can lead to healing and more fulfilling relationships.
Understanding, not labelling
The subtle behaviors of people who grew up with little emotional support are not labels, but signposts. They point to a past that lacked the emotional nurture we all need to thrive.
Psychologist John Bowlby, known for his work in attachment theory, once said, “What cannot be communicated to the [mother] cannot be communicated to the self.”
This highlights the importance of emotional support in our early years, and how it shapes our communication with ourselves and others.
Recognizing these behaviors in ourselves or others isn’t about assigning blame or dwelling on the past. It’s about understanding, empathizing, and finding ways to offer the emotional support that might have been missing.
It’s about creating spaces of acceptance and validation where fear is replaced with trust, isolation with connection, and silence with shared understanding.
As we navigate this journey of understanding, let’s remember that we are not defined by our past. We are shaped by it, yes, but we also have the power to shape our future. It’s a journey of healing, growth, and ultimately, self-discovery.
