Manners matter. I was raised on “please,” “thank you,” and “don’t forget to write a note.” But times change, and so do social norms.
Lately, I’ve noticed something strange: the very gestures I grew up thinking were the height of politeness?
Well, they’re rubbing younger folks the wrong way. Some of them even see these habits as—brace yourself—passive-aggressive.
It’s a bit of a wake-up call, really. But rather than doubling down, I think it’s worth understanding where they’re coming from.
After all, politeness is only polite if it makes the other person feel respected, not weirded out or dismissed.
Let’s dive into seven habits that many boomers (myself included) might consider good manners—but that younger generations often interpret quite differently.
1. Leaving voicemails instead of texting
I’ll admit, I’ve always felt like leaving a voicemail was the courteous thing to do. It shows I took the time, right?
Turns out, that’s not how younger folks see it.
To them, voicemail can feel like an unnecessary chore—like a forced puzzle they now have to decode.
Especially if the message is something like, “Call me back when you get a chance.” Now they’re left wondering: is it urgent? Bad news? Something I forgot?
A quick text gives context and lets the other person respond when they’re ready. It’s not laziness—it’s efficiency. I’ve started doing this more myself, and frankly, it saves everyone time.
2. Using air quotes or saying “bless your heart”
Here’s one I didn’t realize until recently.
Phrases like “bless your heart,” “must be nice,” or using air quotes around certain words might feel playful or humorous to boomers. But for younger people, they often come off as sarcasm wrapped in a smile.
“Bless your heart” especially gets a bad rap. In many parts of the country, it’s become shorthand for “you’re clueless” or “you poor fool.” Not exactly the kindest message, is it?
If you really want to express sympathy or praise, just say it plainly. No need to dress it up in coded language. As Winston Churchill once said, “Short words are best, and the old words when short are best of all.”
3. Giving unsolicited advice (even when it comes from love)
Look, I’m the first to admit I’ve done this.
You hear someone talking about a problem—they’re overwhelmed, struggling—and your instinct is to jump in with a fix. After all, we’ve got decades of life experience under our belts. Why not share it?
But many younger people don’t want a solution. At least, not right away. They want to feel heard first.
As Brené Brown has said, “Rarely can a response make something better. What makes something better is connection.”
A recent Psychology Today article highlights that unsolicited advice often shuts down meaningful conversation by signaling dismissal—but compassionate, active listening builds trust and intimacy instead.
Unsolicited advice can feel dismissive, like you’re minimizing their struggle or assuming they can’t handle it. Instead, try asking: “Do you want advice, or just to vent a bit?” It shows respect for where they are emotionally.
4. Saying “No offense, but…”
Let me be blunt here: if you have to preface a statement with “no offense,” chances are it’s going to be offensive.
We boomers sometimes use this as a way to soften a critique. “No offense, but your outfit’s a little loud.” Or “No offense, but you look tired.” We think we’re being helpful—or funny.
But younger generations are highly attuned to tone and emotional nuance. To them, “no offense” is like a neon sign that says, “I’m about to insult you, but I don’t want to deal with your reaction.”
If something needs to be said, say it kindly and clearly. And if it doesn’t need to be said, maybe let it go. As a Stoic philosopher once put it: “Better to trip with the feet than the tongue.”
5. Making a show of being “old-fashioned”
I’ve seen this one play out at family dinners, weddings, even in casual conversations.
We boomers sometimes say things like, “I guess I’m just old-fashioned,” or “Call me traditional, but…” before expressing views that might not land so well with younger folks—especially on topics like gender roles, parenting, or workplace dynamics.
While we might think we’re being polite by framing our perspective as quaint or harmless, it can actually sound dismissive or outdated.
The better approach? Be open to dialogue. You don’t have to agree on everything, but mutual respect goes a long way. And hey, we can learn a thing or two from their world just as they can from ours.
6. Sending formal emails for informal things
There’s something deeply satisfying about a properly structured email. “Dear so-and-so,” a clear body, a warm sign-off.
But when you’re inviting someone to lunch or checking in on a casual matter, a full-blown formal email can feel stiff or even cold to younger folks.
They tend to prefer friendly, short messages that mirror how they speak. Think: “Hey! Just wondering if you’re free Thursday for coffee?”
When we use overly formal language, it can come off like we’re distancing ourselves or being overly serious—especially if the topic is light. That tone mismatch is what makes it feel passive-aggressive to them.
7. Expecting gratitude for things done without asking
This one hits close to home.
I’ve noticed boomers often do things for others—plan events, clean up after family meals, drop off food—without being asked, and then feel hurt when no one seems particularly thankful.
But here’s the rub: when someone does something I didn’t ask for, I might not realize they expected a thank-you. And this is where generational expectations collide.
Younger folks often see unsolicited help as nice—but not something that requires repayment or praise. If we stew quietly about it, it can come across as emotionally manipulative or guilt-trippy. Not what we intended at all.
A 2025 study from Washington State University found that when helpers express genuine gratitude and sympathy along with their support, recipients perceive the help as benevolent—and feel more trust and readiness to reciprocate.
In contrast, neutral or prideful emotional cues can reduce gratitude and trust
I’ve learned to either communicate up front—“Hey, I’d love to help with this, would that be useful?”—or let go of the need for recognition if I choose to do it anyway.
Final thoughts
Times change, and so do social cues. What used to be considered polite might now come off as tone-deaf—or worse, passive-aggressive.
But rather than feeling defensive about it, maybe this is an opportunity to sharpen our empathy. Politeness, after all, isn’t about doing what we think is right—it’s about making others feel respected and at ease.
I’m still figuring things out myself, but I’ll leave you with this: next time something feels off in a conversation with a younger friend or relative, ask yourself—was I being polite, or was I just repeating a habit that’s lost its meaning?
Who knows, a small tweak might lead to a much warmer connection.
