There’s a striking difference between being “likable” and being honest.
This dichotomy often emerges in the ways we’re brought up, particularly for women.
Many of us were conditioned from a young age to prioritize likability over honesty, subtly encouraged to suppress our own wants and needs to maintain harmony.
This doesn’t mean we’re being deceptive or insincere. Rather, it’s about adapting our behavior to meet societal expectations, often at the expense of our true selves.
Psychology sheds light on this phenomenon, highlighting seven common behaviors most women adopt in their quest to be “likable”.
Let’s delve into these habits and explore how they impact our interactions and self-perception.
Remember, understanding these patterns is the first step towards breaking free from them and embracing your authentic self.
1) Saying “yes” when they really mean “no”
Being agreeable is often synonymous with being likable, particularly for women.
Many of us find ourselves nodding along, saying “yes” even when our gut is screaming “no”. This often stems from our upbringing where we’re taught to avoid conflict and keep the peace.
This desire to maintain harmony can sometimes lead us to make decisions that go against our own interests. We opt for the path of least resistance, even if it doesn’t align with our true feelings or desires.
It’s a behavior pattern that psychologists often note. Take Dr. Brené Brown, a renowned researcher who has extensively studied courage, vulnerability, shame, and empathy.
She once stated, “Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.”
This quote perfectly encapsulates the struggle many women face. The dilemma of choosing between being honest yet potentially unlikable, or agreeable at the cost of their own authenticity.
Recognizing this tendency is the first step towards reclaiming our voices and shifting from pleasing others to honoring our own truth.
2) Suppressing emotions to avoid being labelled “overly emotional”
I can recall countless instances where I’ve suppressed my emotions, choosing to wear a calm, composed mask rather than expressing my true feelings.
I remember a particular incident at work, where a colleague made a comment that deeply upset me. Instead of confronting him about it, I held back my tears and smiled, fearing the label of being “overly emotional” or “too sensitive”.
This tendency, as I’ve come to realize, is a common experience for many women. We’re often taught that showing strong emotions is an undesirable trait that can make us seem less likable or competent.
Accepting that it is okay to be emotional, to be human, can be incredibly liberating.
Suppressing emotions does not make them disappear; rather, it denies us the opportunity for genuine communication and self-expression.
By recognizing this pattern, we can start to be more honest with ourselves and others about how we truly feel.
3) Prioritizing others’ needs over their own
Have you ever found yourself putting others’ needs ahead of your own, even when it’s to your detriment?
I can’t count the number of times I’ve done this. It feels like an inbuilt mechanism – an invisible force compelling us to care for others, often at the expense of our own well-being.
This behavior is deeply ingrained in many women, a result of societal norms and expectations. We’re taught that to be likable is to be giving, nurturing, and selfless.
But what happens when this selflessness transforms into self-sacrifice?
Esteemed psychologist Abraham Maslow once said, “It isn’t normal to know what we want. It is a rare and difficult psychological achievement.”
Recognizing and prioritizing our own needs is not selfish but essential for our mental and emotional health.
It’s time we challenge this notion and start acknowledging our own needs and wants. Because the truth is, being honest with ourselves about what we need is the first step towards achieving true happiness and fulfillment.
4) Apologizing unnecessarily
Apologizing can be a powerful tool to mend relationships and accept responsibility for our actions. However, for many women, saying “sorry” has become a habitual response, often used when it’s not warranted.
I’ve caught myself apologizing for things that are entirely out of my control or even for simply expressing my opinion.
It’s as if we’re conditioned to believe that taking up space or asserting our presence needs to be cushioned with an apology.
This behavior has been backed up by psychological research. A study found that women apologize more frequently than men, not because men are reluctant to admit wrongdoing, but because they perceive fewer of their actions as requiring an apology.
The constant need to apologize can be detrimental, undermining our confidence and diminishing our perceived competence.
Understanding this pattern can help us break free from the shackles of unnecessary guilt and express ourselves more assertively.
5) Avoiding confrontation at all costs
Growing up, I was always taught to be polite, kind, and to avoid confrontation like the plague.
This belief followed me into adulthood and I often found myself steering clear of any potential conflicts, even if it meant swallowing my own discomfort or discontent.
This is a common trend among women, who are often raised with the idea that confrontation is unladylike or aggressive.
Instead of voicing our concerns or displeasure, we tend to smile and bear it, prioritizing peace and likability over honesty.
As the renowned psychologist Albert Ellis once said, “The art of love is largely the art of persistence.”
This quote holds true in this context as well – standing up for oneself and confronting issues head-on is an act of self-love and respect.
Avoiding confrontation may seem like the easier route, but in reality, it often leads to resentment and unvoiced frustrations. Recognizing this pattern can pave the way for healthier communication and more authentic relationships.
6) Striving for perfection
Paradoxically, the pursuit of perfection often stems from a desire to be liked. We believe that if we can just be flawless, we’ll be more accepted or loved.
Yet, this relentless pursuit often leads to anxiety, self-doubt, and an inability to appreciate our accomplishments.
I’ve grappled with this paradox myself. Striving to be the perfect student, daughter, professional and friend, only to realize that perfection is an unattainable and largely subjective concept.
Embracing our imperfections and learning to let go of unrealistic standards can lead us towards adopting a more honest, compassionate view of ourselves and others.
7) Downplaying accomplishments
Many women, myself included, have a tendency to downplay our accomplishments. We brush off praise and deflect compliments, worried about appearing arrogant or self-involved.
This habit is often linked to the ‘likability trap’ – the idea that being modest makes us more likable. But in reality, it dampens our self-esteem and prevents us from owning our successes.
As psychologist Sigmund Freud wisely stated, “One day, in retrospect, the years of struggle will strike you as the most beautiful.”
Acknowledging and celebrating our achievements is an essential part of self-love and personal growth. It’s time we start embracing our victories, big or small.
Final reflections
Understanding these deep-seated patterns is the first step towards breaking free from them. It’s a journey of self-discovery and unlearning, of challenging societal norms and embracing our authentic selves.
Being likable and being honest are not mutually exclusive. By acknowledging these tendencies, we can begin to strike a balance between maintaining our likability without compromising our honesty.
It’s about giving ourselves permission to express our needs, emotions, and opinions openly. To celebrate our accomplishments, stand up for ourselves, and embrace our imperfections.
Remember, being true to ourselves does not make us any less likable. In fact, authenticity often attracts genuine connections and respect. It’s time we start redefining what it means to be likable, one step at a time.
