We’ve all been there: you’re talking to a colleague or a friend-of-a-friend who seems perfectly civil, yet something in your gut says, They’re not that into me. Politeness can be a brilliant disguise because social norms reward “playing nice.”
But while words can be edited in real time, the body and the brain leak honest data.
Psychology gives us a useful map for spotting these leaks so we can stop second-guessing ourselves—and maybe set healthier boundaries.
Below are eight research-backed cues that a person is smiling on the surface but secretly holding you at arm’s length.
1. The smile stops at the eyes
Genuine smiles fire the orbicularis oculi muscles—the tiny rings around the eyes that create “crow’s feet.”
Psychologists call this a Duchenne smile. Social smiles, by contrast, often stay below the nose: the lips stretch tight but the eyes stay neutral or even narrow with faint contempt.
If you notice that someone’s grin looks like a sticker slapped onto a neutral face—and it disappears the second the conversation moves on—take note.
Research on facial expressions shows that authentic joy is remarkably hard to fake because those eye muscles are largely involuntary.
2. Their feet and torso point away from you
When people like us, they orient toward us—hips squared, shoulders open, feet pointing our way.
The instant someone’s core angles toward the door, the buffet, or literally any other person, it signals disengagement.
Body-language experts say that that we subconsciously aim our “exit limbs” toward where we’d rather be, especially when we feel stuck in polite company.
So if their toes keep drifting toward the exit while their mouth says, “That’s fascinating,” believe the feet, not the phrase.
3. Eye contact flickers, then vanishes
Eye contact is a kind of social glue—but only when it feels mutual and easy. If someone isn’t fond of you, they’ll usually give a brief “check-in” glance (etiquette demands it) and then break away far sooner than they would with a person they enjoy.
As communication scholar Kory Floyd observes, “Individuals exhibit more gaze with friends and liked others than they do with strangers and disliked others.”
Prolonged, unblinking stares can read as a power move, yet those quick, darting looks—or a gaze that slides right past you to other faces in the room—more often signal low regard or quiet discomfort.
4. Their tone is polite… and flat
Words can be warm, but vocal tone carries emotional truth.
As Ronald E. Riggio Ph.D. suggests in Psychology Today, a flat, clipped, or impatient tone often accompanies covert dislike, even when the wording itself is courteous.
You might sense a lack of warmth, a speed-run through conversation topics, or an audible sigh before they respond.
We’re evolutionarily tuned to read these tonal cues in less than a second; trust the friction you feel in your ears.
5. They never ask follow-up questions
Conversation is a tango: genuine interest shows up as open-ended questions, little follow-up stories, or at least a friendly “How about you?” We share more with people we actually like—one meta-analysis of 94 studies on self-disclosure concluded that “people disclose more to those whom they initially like.”
When the warmth is missing, talk shrinks to bare-minimum replies. Conversation analysts label these minimal responses: brief “yeah,” “mm-hmm,” or a curt answer offered after an awkward pause. Linguist Jennifer Coates notes that “a delayed minimal response may function to signal a lack of interest in what the current speaker is saying.”
If every exchange feels like pulling teeth—your questions get clipped yes/no answers, no one volunteers a personal detail, and the “tango” never really starts—it’s a good sign you’re not on their favorites list.
6. Compliments land with a sting (micro-aggressions & backhanders)
“Nice presentation—especially considering how busy you must be.” Ouch.
When praise comes laced with a jab, you’re looking at a classic micro-aggression: a subtle, often deniable message that downgrades the target.
The American Psychological Association notes that micro-aggressions allow hostility to pass under the radar of polite norms, giving the sender plausible deniability while the receiver walks away feeling a little smaller.
7. You’re left off the informal invite list
Ostracism researchers point out that exclusion doesn’t require overt meanness; simply not being invited to coffee, group chats, or quick hallway brainstorms can satisfy the disliker’s urge to keep distance.
Being ignored undermines our fundamental need for belonging and control, even when the person smiles next time you meet.
Chronic exclusion—“Oh, must have slipped my mind!”—is a red flag that the relationship isn’t as friendly as the surface suggests.
If looking at old photos makes you emotional, psychology says you possess these 7 distinctive traits8. Their helpfulness comes wrapped in passive aggression
Agreeing to your request, then dragging their feet. Saying, “Sure, whatever you think,” but rolling their eyes when you turn away.
Psychology Today calls passive-aggressive behaviors “indirect expressions of hostility”—the perfect hiding place for people who dislike confrontation almost as much as they dislike you.
If tasks come back half-finished or jokes arrive with that just kidding edge, you’re probably on the receiving end of masked resentment.
What to do with this information
Spotting these cues isn’t about hunting for enemies; it’s about tuning in.
Buddhist teacher Thích Nhất Hạnh often reminded his students to “look deeply, speak truthfully, and let go.” The same wisdom applies here:
- Look deeply: Notice how your body feels in their presence. Subtle tension is data.
- Speak truthfully: If the relationship matters, name the disconnect gently: “I sense I make you uncomfortable—have I done something?”
- Let go: If honesty doesn’t shift the dynamic, accept the reality without clinging. Not everyone will like us, and that’s okay.
Mindfulness trains us to observe without judgment, psychology helps us decode the signals, and compassion guides our response.
Together they free us from the exhausting guess-and-stress cycle of wondering who’s secretly rolling their eyes the moment we turn away.
