There’s a fine line between being supportive and overbearing, especially when it comes to parenting adult children.
Sometimes, parents try to help but end up creating distance instead. It’s often unintentional, a misstep in the dance of letting go and holding on.
It’s about perspective. What seems like ‘being helpful’ can often be interpreted as intrusive or controlling by adult children.
In this article, I’ll share 8 common things parents do that may seem helpful but can actually lead to this unwanted distance. The goal is not to point fingers but rather illuminate these areas for better understanding and communication.
Just remember, it’s all part of the dance.
1) Overstepping boundaries
Every adult has their own personal space, a boundary that defines their individuality and independence. This is equally true for adult children.
As parents, it’s easy to forget that your adult child has their own life, with unique experiences and challenges. In an effort to help, parents often cross these boundaries, leading to feelings of intrusion and suffocation.
It might seem like you’re just being caring by offering unsolicited advice or constantly checking in. But remember, what might seem like ‘being helpful’ to you, could be viewed as overstepping by your adult child.
The key is to respect their personal space and offer your support when it’s asked for. This can make all the difference in maintaining a healthy and respectful relationship with your adult children.
It’s not about stepping back completely but rather understanding the appropriate time and place to step in.
2) Dismissing their feelings
I remember a time when I was struggling with a decision about my career path. I was torn between taking a stable job or pursuing my passion.
My parents, wanting the best for me, insisted that I choose the stable job. They dismissed my feelings about wanting to follow my passion, thinking they were being helpful.
But this dismissal of my emotions made me feel misunderstood and distant. It seemed like they didn’t value my feelings or understand the importance of my passion.
The lesson was clear. Parents, even with the best intentions, can create distance by dismissing their adult child’s feelings. It’s crucial to remember that even as adults, we need our feelings acknowledged and validated by our parents.
So next time your adult child shares their feelings or thoughts, try to listen and understand, rather than dismissing them outright. This can help bridge the gap and foster a stronger relationship.
3) Being judgmental
In a study published in the Journal of Marriage and Family, it was found that parents’ disapproval or judgment can significantly affect the relationship with their adult children.
Parents often pass judgments thinking they’re guiding their children towards better choices. However, this can be perceived as a lack of trust and respect for their ability to make decisions.
This judgment, veiled as concern, can create friction and distance. The constant scrutiny can make your adult child feel like they’re always falling short, creating a divide between you both.
Try to replace judgment with understanding and respect for their choices, even when they differ from your own. This promotes open dialogue and strengthens your bond.
4) Taking over
It’s a natural instinct for parents to step in and solve problems for their children. However, when it comes to adult children, this can often do more harm than good.
When you take over, whether it’s fixing their finances, resolving their relationship issues, or making decisions on their behalf, it sends a message that you don’t trust their ability to handle their own situations.
This can lead to feelings of inadequacy and dependence, creating significant distance.
Instead, let them navigate their own issues. Offer advice when asked and be there to support them through the process. This not only encourages self-reliance but also strengthens your relationship with your adult child.
5) Holding on to past mistakes
We all make mistakes. It’s part of growing up and becoming who we are. But as parents, it’s easy to hold on to the past mistakes of our adult children, using them as reference points in discussions or arguments.
This can be deeply hurtful and creates a divide between parents and adult children. No one wants to feel like they’re forever defined by their past errors.
Remember, your adult child is continuously evolving, learning from their past, and making efforts to improve. Holding on to their past mistakes can stifle this growth and create unnecessary tension.
Instead, let’s forgive, forget and focus on their progress. This act of understanding can bridge the gap and bring you closer to your adult child.
6) Comparing them to others
Growing up, my brother was always the academic one. His report card was filled with A’s, while I was more of a B student. As adults, our parents would often compare us, making casual remarks about how I should be more like my brother.
These comparisons, though seemingly innocent, made me feel like I wasn’t good enough. It created a distance between my parents and me, as I felt they didn’t appreciate my unique strengths.
Comparison between siblings or peers can be detrimental to the parent-adult child relationship. It can lead to feelings of inadequacy and resentment.
So, it’s essential to acknowledge and appreciate your adult child’s unique abilities and accomplishments without drawing comparisons. This will enhance their self-esteem and strengthen your bond with them.
7) Taking sides in conflicts
Conflicts are inevitable, especially in close relationships. Adult children may have disagreements with their partners, friends, or even siblings. As parents, it’s natural to want to step in and resolve these issues.
However, taking sides in these conflicts can create distance. When you side with one party, it can make your adult child feel unsupported and misunderstood.
The best approach is to remain neutral and provide guidance when asked.
This shows respect for their ability to manage their own relationships and conflicts, fostering trust and closeness in your relationship with them.
8) Ignoring their adult status
The transition from child to adult is a significant one.
It comes with newfound responsibilities, independence, and a shift in the parent-child dynamic. While it’s easy to see your child as the young one you raised, acknowledging their adult status is crucial.
Ignoring this transition and treating your adult child like they’re still young can lead to feelings of infantilization and disrespect. This can create a substantial distance between you both.
Your child is now an adult, with their own life, opinions, and choices. Respecting this growth and treating them as equals is perhaps the most important step in maintaining a strong, healthy relationship with your adult children.
Final thoughts: It’s about respect and understanding
The dynamics of the parent-adult child relationship can be complex and filled with nuances. These often stem from a place of deep love and concern, but might inadvertently create distance.
The crux of the problem lies in the transition from caring for a dependent child to interacting with an independent adult. This shift requires a delicate balance of involvement and restraint.
Respect for your adult child’s autonomy, understanding their unique perspectives, and offering support without imposing are pivotal elements in maintaining a close relationship.
Every relationship is unique, and there’s no one-size-fits-all advice. However, reframing your actions with respect to their adult status can go a long way in bridging any emotional distance.
It’s not about pulling away but rather reshaping the relationship based on mutual respect, trust, and understanding. After all, the bond between parents and their children is one of life’s most profound connections.
