We’ve all come across that one person who seems supremely confident on the outside—but something about their demeanor feels ever-so-slightly off. Maybe they always have a witty joke ready or are impeccably put-together.
Yet behind that polished exterior, you can sense an undercurrent of doubt. If this rings a bell, you might be dealing with someone who’s deeply insecure but covers it up with finely tuned social armor.
In my work (and personal life), I’ve realized that insecurity doesn’t always show up as shy or timid behavior. Sometimes it’s so well-hidden that we only see faint, subtle clues peeking through.
And for anyone who’s spent years putting on a brave face—like I did when I was stuck in a job that made me miserable—these little signals can become almost second nature.
So how can we spot the cues and, more importantly, understand them with compassion? Let’s explore eight subtle behaviors often displayed by folks whose insecurities run deeper than they let on.
They turn every compliment into a joke
Have you ever tried to genuinely praise someone’s skills or achievements, only to have them crack a self-deprecating joke in return? It can be something like, “Thanks, but I probably just got lucky,” or “If only you’d seen the million mistakes I made first!”
On the surface, humor can make them appear modest—or even fun to be around. But in reality, they might be using these playful deflections to mask their discomfort with praise. They’re caught in that tug-of-war between wanting to be acknowledged and feeling unworthy of it.
A friend of mine—let’s call her Jenna—was notorious for doing this. She produced wonderful creative work but always shot down her own abilities whenever anyone complimented her. One day, I asked her directly, “Why do you always laugh it off?”
She shrugged and said, “If I don’t laugh, I have to seriously admit that I might be good at something…and that’s terrifying!” It was a lightbulb moment for both of us, reminding me that humor sometimes hides genuine fear.
They over-justify their decisions
An insecure person who’s trying to keep it together often feels the need to provide endless explanations for every choice they make.
Picture this: they pick a restaurant for dinner, and before anyone can even say a word, they launch into a five-minute speech about why it has the best ambiance, the most reasonable prices, the friendliest staff, and so on.
Why all the justification? Because deep down, they’re worried someone will judge them or think their decision was stupid or careless.
By over-explaining, they’re trying to preemptively shut down any criticism. This behavior might look like confidence—“Wow, they really did their research!”—but it’s often rooted in a fear of being wrong or incompetent.
7 daily habits of fathers who have an unbreakable bond with their daughters, according to psychologyAs Sheryl Sandberg once said, “Feeling confident—or pretending that you feel confident—is necessary to reach for opportunities.” Over-justifying can sometimes be a warped attempt at appearing poised and informed, but it also reveals that they’re seeking external validation to compensate for an internal doubt.
If you notice someone going overboard with lengthy explanations, take a moment to see if they might be hiding deeper insecurities.
They cling to a “perfect” image on social media
Scrolling through their Instagram, you’d think they had the perfect job, the perfect home, the perfect Sunday brunch routine. Every post is expertly lit, carefully captioned, and curated to present an impeccable life.
Of course, there’s nothing wrong with being proud of the great moments in your life. But if someone’s feed is suspiciously flawless, it can hint at an underlying desire to control how others perceive them.
In fact, a study published in the journal Computers in Human Behavior found that people with higher levels of social anxiety or insecurity were more likely to curate their online personas to appear “ideal.” They selectively post only the highlights and avoid any real vulnerability.
Take a close friend of mine who once confided, “I feel so relieved when I get enough likes on my posts—like I’ve proven I’m doing life ‘right.’” That craving for outside approval can be a big indicator of hidden insecurities.
They constantly compare themselves to others
You might have read a previous post of mine here where I touched upon comparison traps—it’s a topic I return to often, because it’s so prevalent.
People who are insecure but hide it well tend to engage in chronic comparison with everyone around them. They might ask subtle questions like, “Did you hear how quickly Sarah got promoted? She must have some special connections,” or, “Wow, your new place is gorgeous—mine’s nothing compared to this.”
It’s sneaky because they often couch it in friendly observations or even compliments. But underneath, there’s a running tally in their mind: who’s more successful, who’s more attractive, who’s further along in life.
As John C. Maxwell has noted, “Comparing yourself to others is a needless distraction.” For someone struggling with insecurity, though, comparison feels like a way to measure up—even if it ends up deepening their self-doubt.
They’re quick to judge or criticize
One trait I’ve noticed in people who secretly wrestle with low self-esteem is that they can be surprisingly harsh toward others. You might see them rolling their eyes at a co-worker’s suggestion or nitpicking a friend’s outfit.
The reason? Critiquing others serves as a temporary ego boost—a way to feel a bit superior when, deep down, they don’t feel good about themselves.
Robert Greene, author of The 48 Laws of Power, has talked about how insecurity can fuel a drive for dominance in subtle ways.
By putting others down, an insecure person tries to push themselves up in the eyes of those around them. It’s a short-lived fix, though, and can quickly sour relationships. If you sense that the criticisms are more about them than the subject at hand, there’s a good chance it’s rooted in hidden anxiety.
They’re overly competitive about trivial things
Competition can be healthy in certain contexts, like pushing yourself to excel at work or in sports. But if you notice someone treating every little situation like a high-stakes game—racing you to the front door, or bragging endlessly about how they got a bargain on groceries—they may be grappling with bigger insecurities.
I once knew a colleague who seemed to compete on everything from who arrived earliest at the office to whose lunch looked the healthiest. It was exhausting. Over time, I realized she wasn’t doing it to be annoying. She was desperately trying to prove—to herself and everyone else—that she was worthy.
When winning starts to mean more than it should, it’s often because the person doesn’t feel secure in their own self-worth. They need tangible “wins” to feel okay.
They sabotage close relationships with passive-aggressive behaviors
Sometimes, the signs of hidden insecurity appear in personal relationships as subtle sabotage. The person might forget to invite you to a gathering and then say, “Oh, I assumed you wouldn’t want to come.” Or they’ll make offhand remarks like, “It must be nice to have your life so perfectly sorted out.”
Passive-aggressive comments allow them to express resentment or jealousy without admitting they feel inadequate. In romantic relationships, for example, they might get distant or pick fights over small issues because they’re terrified that if their partner sees who they truly are, they’ll be rejected.
I recall going through something similar when I was struggling with my sense of self after my divorce. I’d make casual jabs at friends who seemed “more settled,” telling myself it was just harmless teasing. But really, I was projecting my own insecurities onto them.
A heart-to-heart with my sister helped me see the pattern and start addressing the root cause—my fear of not measuring up.
They avoid genuine vulnerability at all costs
Last but definitely not least, there’s an extreme reluctance to show any real vulnerability. Being open about fears and flaws is scary for almost everyone, but for someone deeply insecure, the mere thought can be paralyzing.
They may sidestep sincere conversations about feelings, brush off invitations to share personal stories, or keep their guards up with endless small talk.
Paradoxically, they might come across as extroverted and chatty, but the conversation rarely touches anything truly personal. They’ll be the life of the party, cracking jokes and telling funny anecdotes—yet when you gently ask about their life goals or biggest challenges, they clam up or change the subject.
A couple of years ago, I got to know a single dad through a local community group. He was warm, upbeat, and always quick to help others. But he never let anyone help him. Whenever I’d offer to watch his kids while he ran errands, he’d refuse, saying he had it handled.
Eventually, he confided that accepting help made him feel weak. His polished exterior was, in many ways, a shield for a bruised sense of self.
Wrapping up
Hidden insecurity can be tricky to spot. The person might look like they have it all together: perfect social media feed, endless jokes, unwavering resourcefulness, or a dazzling smile.
But if you look closely at how they respond to compliments, how they handle competition, or how they navigate real vulnerability, you’ll notice subtle cracks in their shiny façade.
I’ve learned from my own journey—both in my career and personal life—that empathy and understanding can go a long way. It’s not about calling someone out or labeling them as “insecure.”
Instead, it’s about recognizing the signals and, if you can, offering a safe space for them to grow more comfortable in their own skin. Sometimes, just letting them know they’re appreciated without forcing them to prove anything can work wonders.
Here at DM News, we’re all about empowering ourselves and those around us to overcome limiting beliefs. Whether you’re the one disguising your insecurities or you suspect someone else is, remember that true confidence comes from embracing who we are—flaws and all.
Take it from me: once you learn to face your vulnerabilities head-on, you’ll find a lasting sense of self-worth that doesn’t need constant reinforcement.
Ultimately, the bravest thing any of us can do is acknowledge those hidden parts of ourselves and bring them into the light. After all, real growth starts when we stop pretending to be unbreakable and start embracing our beautiful, resilient, imperfect humanity.
