Some parents show love in ways that are loud and obvious—hugs, kind words, bedtime stories, “I love you” at every opportunity.
Others? Not so much.
It’s not always that they didn’t love you. Often, they just didn’t know how to show it. Maybe they grew up in homes where affection was scarce. Maybe they thought providing food and shelter was enough. Maybe no one ever taught them that a child needs more than discipline and routine—they need to feel wanted.
Over the years, I’ve met plenty of people who struggle to connect emotionally, to express love, to feel worthy of being cared for. And nearly every time, those patterns trace back to something familiar: the quiet ache of growing up in a house where love was rarely spoken—and barely shown.
If you heard any of these statements growing up, there’s a good chance your parents didn’t know how to express affection, even if they loved you deeply in their own way.
1. “Crying won’t solve anything”
This one stings because it teaches you that expressing emotion—especially sadness—is a weakness.
Instead of offering a hug or a safe place to cry, some parents shut the emotion down. Not because they didn’t care, but because they were never taught what to do with those feelings either.
Over time, you learn to swallow tears. To “stay strong.” And that strength? It starts to replace connection.
2. “You’re being too sensitive”
A child’s emotions are big. Loud. Messy. And sometimes inconvenient.
But if you were told you were “too sensitive” every time you got upset, you probably learned to doubt your feelings. To minimize them. To stay quiet when something hurt.
That kind of emotional self-editing often follows people into adulthood—and it all starts with a parent who couldn’t handle vulnerability, including their own.
3. “Don’t be a baby”
I still remember hearing this in third grade after scraping my knee during recess. A friend’s dad was chaperoning, and when I cried, he said, “Come on, don’t be a baby.”
It wasn’t said cruelly. But the message landed hard: stop needing comfort. Toughen up. No one’s going to coddle you.
Looking back, I don’t think he meant harm. But those words taught me something I had to unlearn years later—that needing softness didn’t make me weak. It made me human.
4. “Go to your room until you can act right”
Time-outs and discipline are one thing. But isolation used as a punishment for feeling something? That’s different.
If you were sent away every time you cried, got angry, or acted out, you may have learned that love is conditional. That it disappears when you’re difficult.
Emotionally affectionate parents don’t send their kids away when things get messy. They pull them closer.
5. “I work hard, and this is how you repay me?”
This statement makes love feel transactional.
It tells a child, “You owe me for everything I’ve done,” rather than “I do these things because I love you.”
Many parents who say this were under pressure themselves—working long hours, providing without much support. But when emotional connection is replaced with guilt, the child grows up believing love must be earned, not received freely.
6. “You’ll be fine. Stop making a big deal out of it.”
Maybe it was a big deal to you. Maybe you were scared or hurt or overwhelmed. But instead of meeting you where you were, your parents brushed it aside.
Children raised like this often learn to downplay their needs. To talk themselves out of seeking comfort. To believe that others won’t respond with care, so why bother asking?
And as adults, they sometimes struggle to reach out—because they’ve been told, directly or indirectly, that their pain isn’t valid.
7. “You know I love you, right?”
On the surface, this seems loving. But it’s often used instead of direct affection.
Parents who say this may avoid physical closeness, kind words, or warmth. They rely on assumption. On practicality. On unspoken emotion.
But love isn’t something that should be guessed at. It should be shown. Regularly. Clearly. Especially to a child.
8. “Other kids have it worse”
Maybe so. But comparison doesn’t comfort.
If you heard this growing up, you likely learned that your struggles weren’t worth voicing. That someone else’s pain made yours irrelevant.
That’s a heavy lesson for a child. And it leaves them thinking they must suffer quietly—because there’s always someone out there who “deserves” empathy more.
9. “I’m not your friend—I’m your parent”
Yes, parents need to provide structure and discipline. But some use this phrase as an excuse to stay distant. To avoid play. To withhold warmth.
The best parents aren’t just friends—but they’re also not cold authority figures. There’s room for both love and leadership.
If you grew up hearing this, you may have felt emotionally cut off, even if your basic needs were met.
10. “You’ll understand when you’re older”
This is often said when a child asks for emotional connection—and gets a wall instead.
“You’ll understand” is a way to end the conversation. To sidestep the discomfort of talking through hard feelings. To avoid vulnerability.
I remember asking my father why he never said “I love you.” He looked at me and said, “You’ll understand one day.”
I waited years to understand. I still don’t fully. But I do know this: sometimes, people avoid showing affection not because they don’t feel it—but because they were never shown how.
A final thought
If you heard these statements as a child, it doesn’t mean your parents didn’t love you. But it may mean they didn’t know how to love in a way that made you feel emotionally safe, seen, and cherished.
And that kind of absence? It can echo for a long time.
But here’s the good news: affection is a skill. Emotional fluency can be learned. You can become the kind of person—partner, parent, friend—who gives what you didn’t get.
It starts by noticing these patterns. By giving yourself the love you once needed. And by remembering that affection isn’t weakness—it’s strength that reaches out.
And that kind of strength? It changes everything.
