There’s something special about watching your parents age—not in the sense of fragility or slowing down, but in how the relationship shifts. The dynamic becomes less about authority and more about connection, respect, and—ideally—mutual joy.
But here’s the thing: many parents unintentionally sabotage that connection. I’ve seen it play out with friends, in my own family, and especially during conversations I’ve had with readers who write in, heartbroken because their grown kids are distant, unavailable, or “just too busy.”
The truth? Most adult children don’t drift away because they don’t love their parents. They drift because being around them becomes emotionally exhausting.
My dad—bless him—was a slow learner on this front. But watching the subtle changes he made in the past few years taught me that it’s never too late to repair or deepen your bond with your adult children.
So, if you genuinely want your kids to want to be around you, it might be time to stop doing these six things:
1. Stop giving unsolicited advice (especially about their life choices)
There’s a fine line between being supportive and being overbearing. Many well-meaning parents blur that line by constantly giving advice—even when it’s not asked for.
Whether it’s about how they spend their money, raise their children, or manage their careers, unsolicited advice sends a message: “I know better than you.”
It undermines your child’s autonomy, especially when they’ve spent their adulthood trying to carve out their own identity.
My dad used to do this all the time. I remember visiting him for Sunday lunch, and within five minutes, he’d find a way to insert a “You know what you should do…” into the conversation. Sometimes it was about my work, sometimes about my relationship, sometimes about things he didn’t fully understand.
I’d nod politely, but emotionally I was checking out.
One day, I gently told him, “Dad, I love you, but I need you to trust that I can handle my life. If I want your opinion, I promise I’ll ask.”
It took a few months, but he got better. These days, he listens more than he talks—and you know what? I call him more often now. Because it feels like a conversation, not a lecture.
2. Stop guilt-tripping them for not visiting or calling more
We get it: you miss them. You want to be part of their lives. But saying things like:
- “I guess you’re just too busy for your old mom.”
- “It must be nice to have such an exciting life that you forget your parents.”
- “I suppose I’ll just die alone.”
…is emotional manipulation dressed as honesty.
Guilt might get them to show up once. But it won’t make them want to come back.
Instead, try something simple and warm: “I miss you. It’d mean a lot to me to see you soon. When might work for you?” That kind of openness invites connection without pressure.
When my dad stopped saying things like, “It’s been three weeks… not that I’m counting,” and started saying, “I’d love to see you—let me know what works,” our dynamic softened. I felt welcomed, not obligated.
3. Stop treating them like they’re still teenagers
Here’s a hard truth: if you still see your adult child through the lens of who they were at 16, you’re not really seeing them at all.
They’ve grown. Evolved. Fought through life. Made hard decisions. Maybe they’ve even raised children themselves.
It’s deeply invalidating to be treated like you’re still the reckless kid who forgot to fill up the gas tank or left dirty laundry everywhere.
It’s one thing my dad really struggled with. For years, he still talked to me like I was a girl who needed managing. It wasn’t until I had my own family that he truly began to recognize the adult in me.
Respect is the currency of adult relationships. Give it freely, and you’ll likely receive it back tenfold.
4. Stop criticizing their partners or parenting
This one can destroy relationships.
Even if you think their partner isn’t “good enough,” or they’re letting their toddler watch too much screen time, your disapproval isn’t welcome unless explicitly requested.
When you criticize someone’s partner or parenting, you’re not just offering feedback—you’re insulting a foundational part of their life. It’s often perceived as a deep personal attack, and it erodes trust quickly.
You might mean well. You might think you’re just “telling it like it is.” But I promise you—if you want to alienate your adult children, this is the fastest route.
My dad had strong opinions about one of my ex-boyfriends. But to his credit, he kept most of them to himself until I ended the relationship. Afterward, he said, “I never liked the way he spoke to you, but I figured you needed to come to that on your own.”
That respect gave me more trust in him—not less.
5. Stop expecting them to meet your emotional needs
Your adult children are not your therapists. They’re not your spouses. They’re not emotional surrogates meant to fill your loneliness.
And yet, many parents—often unintentionally—lean too heavily on their kids for emotional support. They overshare, they vent constantly, or they rely on their kids to soothe their anxieties or frustrations.
Healthy relationships require boundaries. If you’re constantly downloading your stress onto your children, they’ll start avoiding you—not because they don’t love you, but because they’re drowning in their own responsibilities and simply don’t have capacity to carry yours too.
My dad once told me, “You’re the only one I can really talk to.” At the time, I felt a strange mix of guilt and resentment. I loved him, but I wasn’t equipped to be his only emotional outlet.
Years later, he started seeing an old friend for weekly coffee and joined a local walking group. It made a huge difference. Now when we talk, he’s lighter—and so am I.
6. Stop expecting them to “come around” to your views
One of the most liberating things you can do in your relationship with your adult children is to let go of the need to be right.
Whether it’s politics, religion, lifestyle, or values—you raised them to be independent thinkers, remember?
Trying to debate them into agreeing with you or “waiting it out” until they come back to your way of thinking only creates distance. Even worse, it sends the message that you value compliance more than connection.
My dad and I see the world differently in many ways. But a few years ago, he stopped trying to win arguments and started asking curious questions instead. “Tell me more about how you see that.” “I never thought of it like that—where did you learn it?”
That changed everything. I didn’t need him to agree with me—I just needed him to respect me. Once that happened, we started having deeper, more fulfilling conversations.
Final thoughts: Show up with presence, not pressure
At the end of the day, adult children want what everyone wants in their relationships: to feel seen, heard, and respected.
You don’t need to be perfect. You don’t need to reinvent your personality. But if you can stop doing the six things above, you create space for something new to grow—something based on mutual respect, real affection, and the kind of joy that makes your kids want to come around not out of guilt, but love.
My dad’s still my dad. He still makes the same awful dad jokes and sends me random links I never click. But he’s also become someone I enjoy. Someone I choose to spend time with.
That shift didn’t happen overnight. But it started when he stopped doing the things that made me pull away—and started leaning into the quiet power of presence.
And maybe that’s the greatest gift you can give your adult kids: not the “right” advice, or the “perfect” version of you—but simply yourself, steady and warm, without strings attached.