Last Sunday, I was sitting in my usual spot at the local café when I overheard a conversation that made my heart sink.
A woman, perhaps in her fifties, was complaining to her friend about how her adult son “never calls anymore” and how their recent family dinner was “awkward and strained.” Her friend nodded sympathetically, sharing similar frustrations about her own grown children.
It got me thinking about my own relationship with my kids, now adults with families of their own. There was a time, I’ll admit, when our interactions felt more like obligation than genuine connection.
If you find yourself wondering why your adult children seem distant or why family gatherings feel forced, you might be making some of the same mistakes I used to make.
Here are four things I learned to stop doing—and trust me, the difference has been remarkable.
1. Giving unsolicited advice about everything
I used to be the king of unsolicited advice. Career choices, parenting decisions, financial matters—you name it, I had an opinion about it. And I wasn’t shy about sharing that opinion, either.
The wake-up call came during a particularly tense conversation with my daughter about her job. She’d mentioned feeling stressed at work, and I immediately launched into a ten-minute lecture about what she should do differently. I’ll never forget the look on her face—part frustration, part resignation. She politely listened, then changed the subject. That was it.
Later, when I really thought about it, I realized she hadn’t asked for my advice. She’d simply wanted someone to listen.
As noted by Jonice Webb, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist, “Many adults love their parents but do not feel emotionally close to them”. I can’t help but thinking how accurate this was to my relationship with my daughter back then. And I’d say this distance stemmed from her feeling unheard or judged rather than supported.
Your adult children are capable of making their own decisions. Yes, they’ll make mistakes—we all do. But those mistakes are theirs to make and learn from. When you constantly offer advice they didn’t request, you’re essentially telling them you don’t trust their judgment.
Now, when my kids share their challenges with me, I listen. Really listen. If they want my opinion, they’ll ask for it. And you know what? They do ask, more often than they used to. Because now they know I won’t turn every conversation into a lecture.
2. Hovering and micromanaging their struggles
Remember when your kids were little and you could fix their problems with a band-aid and a hug?
Those days are long gone, but many of us haven’t gotten the memo. Worse yet, most of us remain unaware of the potential harm we may be causing. What harm?
Well, research from the University of Tennessee at Chattanooga discovered that college students with overprotective parents had higher rates of anxiety and depression medication use. It seem our hovering behavior might actually increase their stress levels rather than reduce them.
Your adult children need space to work through their challenges. They need to know you believe in their ability to handle whatever life throws at them. That doesn’t mean you can’t offer support—it means you wait to be asked and you resist the urge to take over.
3. Pressuring them during difficult times
This might be the most important point, and it’s one I wish I’d understood sooner.
When our adult children are struggling—whether it’s a job loss, relationship problems, or just general life stress—our natural instinct is to push them toward solutions. We want to see them happy and successful, so we apply pressure in ways we think are helpful.
“Have you looked for a new job yet?” “Maybe you should try online dating.” “You really need to get your finances in order.”
But here’s what I learned: pressure, even well-intentioned pressure, pushes them away. Dr. Jeffrey Bernstein, a parent coach and psychologist seems to back this up. He noted in a Psychology Today post that “Pressuring a struggling adult child negatively impacts their well-being and the relationship with them” .
I remember a period when my son was going through some personal challenges. Instead of just being present and supportive, I kept pushing him to “do something about it.” I suggested therapy, career counseling, self-help books—anything to fix the situation faster.
What he needed wasn’t solutions. He needed his father to simply be there, to listen without judgment, and to trust that he would find his way in his own time.
The moment I stopped pressuring and started just being present, our relationship transformed. He began opening up more, sharing not just his struggles but also his small victories and daily experiences.
4. Making everything about you
This one’s a bit uncomfortable to admit, but it’s crucial. How often do we turn our adult children’s experiences into reflections of our parenting or expressions of our own needs?
“I raised you better than that.” “After everything I’ve done for you…” “You never call me anymore—don’t you care about your mother/father?”
I used to do this without even realizing it. When my kids made choices I disagreed with, I took it personally. When they were busy with their own lives, I felt rejected. When they struggled, I somehow made it about my failure as a parent.
But here’s the reality: your adult children’s lives aren’t about you anymore. Their successes aren’t your achievements, and their struggles aren’t your failures. They’re independent people living their own stories.
This shift in perspective was liberating for both me and my kids. Once I stopped taking everything personally, I could actually see them clearly—as the interesting, capable adults they’d become rather than extensions of myself.
Now when my daughter tells me about a challenge at work, I don’t immediately think about what I did wrong as a parent or how I can fix it. I just listen to my daughter sharing her experience with someone who cares about her.
The conversations are so much richer now. Instead of walking on eggshells or feeling like they need to manage my emotions, my kids can just be themselves with me.
Final thoughts
The relationship between parents and adult children is one of the most complex dynamics we navigate. It requires us to fundamentally reimagine our role—from protector and guide to supporter and friend.
I won’t lie; making these changes wasn’t easy. There were moments when I wanted to slip back into old patterns, especially when I could see my kids struggling and every fiber of my being wanted to jump in and fix things.
But the reward has been immeasurable. My relationships with my adult children are now built on mutual respect rather than obligation.
They seek out my company because they enjoy it, not because they feel they have to. Our conversations are genuine, our time together is relaxed, and I get to witness the remarkable people they’ve become.
Your adult children don’t need you to be their parent in the same way they did when they were young. They need you to be someone who believes in them, supports them, and enjoys their company.
The question is: are you ready to let them grow up completely, even if it means stepping back from the role that once defined you so completely?
