Remember when making friends was as simple as asking someone if they wanted to play during recess? Those days feel like a distant memory now, don’t they?
It’s no secret that as we get older, friendship becomes more complicated. Work schedules, family responsibilities, and life’s general chaos make it harder to connect with new people.
But even taking this into account, here’s something that might surprise you: as of 2021, approximately 15% of men reported having no close friends. Yes, no close friends. That’s a staggering number when you think about it.
After observing countless men navigate the challenges of adult friendship, I’ve noticed certain patterns that keep coming up. There are specific behaviors that make forming new connections nearly impossible, and the frustrating part is that most guys don’t even realize they’re doing them.
Today, we’re diving into the six such behaviors that sabotage men’s ability to make friends as they age. If you recognize yourself in any of these, don’t worry—awareness is the first step toward change.
1. They make everything about themselves
Have you ever been in a conversation where the other person hijacked every topic and steered it back to their own experiences?
It’s exhausting, isn’t it?
This is one of the biggest friendship killers I’ve observed. When men struggle with loneliness, they often overcompensate by trying to prove their worth through endless stories about their achievements, problems, or opinions. They dominate conversations without realizing they’re doing it.
The irony is that this behavior stems from a good place—they genuinely want to connect and share their experiences. But instead of creating connection, it pushes people away.
True friendship requires give and take. It’s about showing genuine interest in others, asking follow-up questions, and creating space for the other person to share their own stories.
As bestselling author, Dale Carnegie wisely noted, “You can make more friends in two months by being interested in other people than in two years by trying to get other people interested in you”.
The next time you’re in a social situation, try this: ask three questions about the other person before sharing anything about yourself. You’ll be amazed at how much deeper the conversation becomes.
2. They’re glued to their phones during social interactions
Picture this: you’re having coffee with someone, and mid-conversation, they pull out their phone to check a notification. How does that make you feel? Not great, right?
This behavior has become so normalized that many men don’t even realize they’re doing it. They’ll scroll through social media, respond to texts, or check emails while someone is trying to connect with them.
This constant phone checking, known as “phubbing” (phone snubbing), is a relationship destroyer. As noted by LaKeisha Fleming in a Very Well Mind post, “Phubbing has real consequences on your relationships, with research reporting that phubbing negatively affects intimacy and closeness in romantic partnerships”.
I think it’s fair to assume it does something similar to budding friendships. When you’re constantly looking at your phone, you’re sending a clear message: “You’re not important enough to have my full attention.”
Building meaningful friendships requires presence. Put the phone away, make eye contact, and show up fully for the people you’re with. Your notifications can wait—authentic connection can’t.
3. They avoid vulnerability at all costs
Here’s something I’ve learned through years of studying human connection: surface-level conversations don’t build lasting friendships.
Yet many men are terrified of going deeper. They’ll talk about sports, work, or current events until they’re blue in the face, but the moment a conversation veers toward emotions or personal struggles, they shut down.
This fear of vulnerability often stems from outdated ideas about masculinity. Men are taught to be strong, stoic, and self-reliant. Admitting struggles or showing emotion feels like weakness.
But here’s the thing: vulnerability is actually a strength. It’s what transforms acquaintances into genuine friends.
I’m not saying you need to trauma-dump on everyone you meet. But sharing your real thoughts, admitting when you’re struggling, or talking about something you’re passionate about creates the foundation for deeper connection.
As C.S. Lewis put it, “Friendship… is born at the moment when one person says to another: ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one.’” People connect with authenticity, not perfection. The mask you think is protecting you is actually keeping you isolated.
4. They only reach out when they need something
Think about your last few text messages to potential friends. Were they invitations to hang out, or were you asking for favors?
This is a pattern I see repeatedly: men who only contact others when they need something. A job reference, help moving, someone to cover a shift—you get the picture.
This transactional approach to relationships is a friendship killer. It makes others feel used rather than valued.
Real friendship is about showing up for people without expecting anything in return. It’s checking in just to see how someone is doing, celebrating their wins, and being present during their struggles.
5. They’re overly competitive in casual settings
Competition can be healthy, but some men take it way too far.
They turn every conversation into a debate, every game into a battle, and every shared experience into a comparison contest. They can’t just enjoy a casual round of golf—they have to win. They can’t share a story without one-upping everyone else’s experiences.
This behavior is exhausting for everyone involved. Instead of creating fun, shared experiences, it creates tension and discomfort.
I’ve talked about this before, but true confidence doesn’t need to prove itself constantly. Secure people can celebrate others’ successes without feeling diminished by them.
If you find yourself always trying to be the smartest person in the room or the best at every activity, take a step back. Sometimes the goal isn’t to win—it’s to connect.
6. They expect instant results
Last but not least, in our instant-gratification culture, many men approach friendship like they approach everything else: they want results now.
They’ll meet someone once and expect to be best friends immediately. When that doesn’t happen, they get discouraged and give up.
But here’s something that might put things in perspective: University of Kansas researchers found that building friendships is pretty time-intensive – you need roughly 50 hours together to go from just knowing someone to being casual friends, about 90 hours to become actual friends, and over 200 hours before you’re really close.
That’s a lot of hours, isn’t it? Real friendship is like a plant—it needs time, attention, and patience to grow. You can’t force it or rush the process.
Final words
If you recognized yourself in any of these behaviors, don’t beat yourself up about it. We all have areas where we can improve, and acknowledging these patterns is the first step toward change.
The beautiful thing about friendship is that it’s never too late to start fresh. Whether you’re 30, 50, or 70, you can learn to connect more authentically with others.
Start small. Choose one behavior from this list and focus on changing it. Put your phone away during conversations. Ask more questions about others. Be a bit vulnerable about something real in your life.
Remember, everyone is looking for genuine connection. By showing up authentically and consistently, you’ll attract the kind of friendships that make life richer and more meaningful.
The world needs more men who are willing to be real, present, and caring friends. Why not start with yourself?
