It’s often said that our childhood experiences shape our adult relationships. Sometimes, these early experiences can lead to patterns where we constantly take more than we give. And while it’s easy to judge these individuals as selfish or uncaring, the truth is far more complex.
Digging a little deeper, we find that these behaviors often stem from certain childhood experiences. And while each person’s story is unique, there are common threads that run through many of these narratives.
In this article, we’ll explore seven key childhood experiences often shared by those who take more than they give in relationships. By understanding these patterns, we can develop a more compassionate perspective, opening up the possibility for profound change and growth.
As someone who’s spent a significant part of my life studying relationships, I’ve observed these patterns firsthand. So let’s dive in and take a closer look at these seven key childhood experiences.
1) Lack of emotional support
As children, we rely on our parents or caregivers for emotional support. This support is crucial in helping us develop a healthy sense of self-worth and emotional resilience.
However, not all of us were fortunate enough to receive this kind of support growing up. Many people who tend to take more than they give in relationships often experienced a lack of emotional support during their formative years.
When emotional needs are consistently unmet in childhood, it can create a deep sense of insecurity and fear. To cope with these feelings, some individuals learn to prioritize their own needs above those of others.
These individuals aren’t necessarily selfish or uncaring. In fact, they may be deeply sensitive and empathetic. But their past experiences have taught them that they need to protect themselves first.
And with understanding comes the opportunity for change. By addressing these underlying issues, it’s possible to cultivate more balanced and fulfilling relationships.
2) Overindulgence
Counterintuitively, being overly indulged as a child can also lead to a pattern of taking more than giving in relationships.
When a child is constantly showered with gifts, attention, or leniency, without being taught the importance of giving back, it can set a precedent for future relationships.
This isn’t to say that all forms of indulgence are harmful. However, when indulgence becomes the norm rather than the exception, it can foster a sense of entitlement. This can lead to expectations of always receiving without understanding the importance of reciprocation.
Overindulged children may grow into adults who believe that others exist primarily to meet their needs. This could manifest as expecting constant attention, demanding excessive emotional support or believing that rules and boundaries don’t apply to them.
Recognizing this pattern is the first step towards breaking it. It’s about learning to value and appreciate others, understanding that relationships are a two-way street.
3) Inconsistent parenting
In my years of studying relationships, one of the common experiences I’ve found among those who take more than they give is inconsistent parenting.
Consistency in parenting helps children learn what to expect, develop trust, and understand the consequences of their actions. But when parents are unpredictable – loving and attentive one moment, distant or harsh the next – it can create a sense of insecurity.
Children with inconsistent parents may grow into adults who are always trying to secure love and attention, leading to an imbalance in their relationships. They might constantly seek validation, demand attention, or have difficulty trusting their partners.
However, it’s important to remember that inconsistent parenting is not a life sentence. With awareness and effort, it’s possible to unlearn these behaviors and build healthier relationship patterns.
4) Exposure to unhealthy relationships
Children learn a lot about relationships by observing the adults around them. If they’ve been exposed to unhealthy relationship dynamics early in life, they may unknowingly carry these patterns into their own adult relationships.
This could mean witnessing abuse, neglect, or simply a lack of love and respect between their parents or caregivers. These experiences can shape their understanding of what relationships look like, leading to an imbalance in giving and taking.
As Maya Angelou wisely said, “People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” This quote hits home for me because it reminds us how deeply our feelings and experiences can affect us, especially during our formative years.
You have the power to break the cycle and build healthier, more balanced relationships. It might be challenging and it might require some work, but it’s absolutely worth it.
5) Lack of boundaries
One experience that I’ve consistently seen among those who take more than they give in relationships is a lack of boundaries in their childhood.
Boundaries are crucial for developing a healthy sense of self and understanding our own needs and limits. However, not everyone grows up learning about these boundaries.
When children grow up in environments where their personal space is constantly invaded or their feelings are dismissed, they might struggle to understand the concept of boundaries as adults.
This could lead to situations where they constantly take from others without realizing that it’s causing an imbalance in the relationship.
In my own journey, I’ve found the importance of setting boundaries and respecting those set by others. It’s a crucial step towards cultivating balanced and healthy relationships.
6) Emotional invalidation
One of the most damaging experiences a child can endure is emotional invalidation. This happens when their feelings are consistently dismissed, ignored, or belittled.
Children who experience emotional invalidation may grow up feeling that their needs and emotions are unimportant. This can lead to a pattern of taking more than they give in relationships, as they strive to get their emotional needs met.
As someone who has seen this pattern unfold in many individuals, I can tell you that it’s a difficult cycle to break. But it’s not impossible.
One of my favorite quotes by Carl Rogers, a renowned psychologist, is “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” This touches on the importance of acknowledging and validating our own feelings.
To break the cycle of emotional invalidation, it’s crucial to start by validating your own emotions and needs. You’re allowed to feel. You’re allowed to have needs. And you’re worthy of having those needs met in a balanced and healthy manner.
7) Experiencing abandonment
Abandonment can take many forms – from a parent leaving to emotional abandonment where a child’s emotional needs are consistently ignored.
Children who have experienced abandonment might grow up fearing rejection and isolation. To protect themselves, they might take more than they give in relationships, in an attempt to ensure they’re never left with nothing again.
This is a raw and painful truth. On the surface, these individuals might seem demanding or overly needy. But beneath that exterior lies a deep-seated fear of being abandoned again.
Coming to terms with past abandonment and working through these fears is no easy task. It requires courage, honesty, and often professional help. But the journey towards healing is worth it. It paves the way towards healthier, more balanced relationships where give-and-take is the norm, not the exception.
Remember, it’s okay to ask for help and it’s okay to take your time. Healing is not about how quickly you can move on but about how thoroughly you can understand and address your past.
Final thoughts
As we’ve explored throughout this article, the experiences we have as children have a profound impact on our adult relationships. While it’s not always easy to recognize these patterns – let alone start changing them – the first step is always awareness.
Taking more than we give in relationships is often a survival strategy learned early in life. And like any survival strategy, it served its purpose at the time. But as adults, we have the power to evaluate these behaviors and decide if they still serve us.
As James Baldwin said, “Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced.” This journey of introspection and change might not be easy, but it’s worth it.
For every step we take towards healthier relationships, we’re not just improving our own lives but also those of the people we care about.
The journey towards healthier relationships is not a sprint but a marathon. Be patient with yourself, and remember that every small step counts. Here’s to creating healthier relationships and leading happier lives!
