We live in a culture that glorifies the chase, don’t we?
Chase the promotion. Chase the perfect relationship. Chase the next milestone, the bigger house, the better version of yourself.
We’re constantly moving, constantly reaching, constantly convinced that happiness waits just one more achievement away.
But what if I told you that the secret to feeling truly happy has nothing to do with chasing at all? What if genuine contentment comes from learning to be still—from stopping the endless pursuit of things that promise fulfillment but leave us feeling emptier than before?
In my years as a relationship counselor, I’ve watched countless clients exhaust themselves chasing mirages. They come to me burned out, anxious, and wondering why nothing they achieve ever feels like enough.
The answer, I’ve learned, lies in needing less rather than getting more.
Let’s explore the eight things you need to stop chasing if you want to discover the solid art of stillness and find genuine contentment.
1. Other people’s approval
Do you find yourself constantly checking if others like what you’re doing? Maybe you post something on social media and refresh obsessively to see the reactions, or you change your opinions based on who you’re talking to?
I used to be guilty of this myself. Early in my counseling practice, I’d second-guess every piece of advice I gave, worried about whether my clients thought I was competent enough. It was exhausting.
The truth is, seeking approval from others is like trying to fill a bucket with a hole in the bottom—you’ll never feel full, no matter how much validation you pour in.
Maya Angelou captured this beautifully when she said, “If you are always trying to be normal, you will never know how amazing you can be.”
When you stop chasing approval, you give yourself permission to be authentic, and that’s where real happiness lives.
2. Perfection in everything you do
Here’s something I see constantly in my practice: people who are paralyzed by their need to do everything flawlessly.
They won’t start the project because it might not be perfect. They won’t have the conversation because they might say the wrong thing.
But perfectionism has nothing to do with high standards. Fear drives it—fear of judgment, fear of failure, fear of not being enough.
Research consistently shows that perfectionism is linked to higher rates of anxiety and depression.
As Brené Brown notes, “Perfectionism is a twenty-ton shield that we lug around thinking it will protect us when, in fact, it’s the thing that’s really preventing us from taking flight.”
I learned this lesson the hard way when I was writing my book. I rewrote the first chapter seventeen times before realizing I was using perfectionism to avoid the vulnerable act of sharing my work.
Sometimes “good enough” actually exceeds perfect.
3. The next big milestone
We’re conditioned to believe that happiness lives in the future, right?
“I’ll be happy when I get the promotion.”
“I’ll be happy when I find the right person.”
“I’ll be happy when I lose those ten pounds.”
Here’s what I’ve observed after years of counseling: the goal post always moves.
You get the promotion, feel good for a week, then start eyeing the next level up. You lose the weight, but now you’re focused on toning up.
Psychologists call this the “hedonic treadmill“—the tendency to return to a baseline level of happiness despite positive or negative events.
The clients I’ve worked with who report the highest levels of contentment aren’t necessarily those who’ve achieved the most. They’re the ones who’ve learned to find joy in the present moment, regardless of what’s coming next.
4. Control over everything around you
Are you someone who needs to have every detail planned? Do you get anxious when things don’t go according to your schedule?
I get it. Control feels safe. But chasing control is like trying to hold water in your hands—the tighter you squeeze, the more it slips away.
A client once told me she spent so much energy trying to control her adult children’s decisions that she forgot to enjoy her relationship with them. Once she stopped trying to manage their lives, she found peace in simply being their mother.
Focus on what you can actually influence—your responses, your choices, your attitude—and let go of the rest.
5. External validation of your worth
This one hits close to home for many of us. We chase likes, comments, compliments, and recognition, thinking they’ll prove we’re valuable.
But when your sense of worth depends on external feedback, you’re essentially handing the remote control of your happiness to everyone else. That’s no way to live.
As noted by the American Psychological Association, people who derive their worth from external sources pay a higher physical and mental price. Their happiness becomes a roller coaster ride based on other people’s opinions.
The shift happens when you start validating yourself. When you can look in the mirror and genuinely appreciate who you are, regardless of what anyone else thinks. That’s when you stop needing the chase.
6. The illusion of constant productivity
In our hustle culture, we’ve somehow convinced ourselves that our worth is tied to our output. If we’re not busy, we’re not valuable. If we’re not producing, we’re wasting time.
I see this everywhere—people who feel guilty for taking breaks, who check emails during vacation, who measure their days by how much they accomplished rather than how they felt.
Cal Newport, in his research on deep work, has shown that our obsession with busyness often makes us less effective, not more. As he puts it, “Busyness stymies accomplishment.”
Sounds counterintuitive, right? But it’s true — sometimes the most productive thing you can do is absolutely nothing.
Rest has nothing to do with laziness. Rest is necessary.
7. The perfect version of yourself
Do you have a mental image of who you think you should be? The version of yourself that exercises every day, eats perfectly, never loses their temper, and always says the right thing?
That person doesn’t exist, and chasing them will only leave you feeling inadequate.
I remember working with a client who was so focused on becoming this idealized version of herself that she couldn’t appreciate who she already was.
She had a successful career, loving relationships, and genuine kindness—but all she could see were her perceived flaws.
Self-acceptance is a cornerstone of mental health. You can grow and improve while still loving who you are right now.
8. Everyone else’s definition of success
Finally, I’ve saved a big one for last, friends.
We spend so much time chasing other people’s dreams that we forget to ask ourselves what we actually want.
Maybe your parents wanted you to be a doctor, so you’re in medical school despite having zero passion for it.
Maybe society says success looks like a corner office, but you’d rather work with your hands.
As an old saying goes, “The real measure of your wealth is how much you’d be worth if you lost all your money.”
In other words, who are you when you strip away all the external markers of success?
I’ve worked with CEOs who were miserable and yoga instructors who were fulfilled. I’ve seen people with modest incomes who felt rich and wealthy individuals who felt poor. And this is what I’ve learned: success isn’t one-size-fits-all.
The happiest people I know have defined success for themselves. They’ve stopped chasing someone else’s version of a meaningful life and started living their own.
Final thoughts
If you recognize yourself in any of these patterns, take a breath. You’re not broken, and you’re certainly not alone.
Learning the art of stillness has nothing to do with becoming passive or giving up on your dreams. You find peace in the present moment while still moving forward with intention. You choose what to chase and what to release.
When you stop running after things that don’t truly serve you, you create space for what does.
You make room for genuine connection, authentic joy, and the kind of deep satisfaction that doesn’t depend on external circumstances.
Remember, happiness works differently than we think. Rather than being a destination you arrive at, happiness becomes a way of traveling. And sometimes, the most profound journey happens when you’re perfectly still.
