I was sitting in a coffee shop last week when I overheard a woman on the phone saying, “Oh, I’m fine with whatever you want to do” for the third time in five minutes.
Her voice had that particular quality I recognized—the one I used to have when I was constantly molding myself to fit what I thought others expected.
She wasn’t just being polite or accommodating. She was disappearing.
If you’ve ever felt like you’re living someone else’s life or wondered why you feel exhausted despite having everything you thought you wanted, you might be suppressing your authentic self without even knowing it.
The signs are often subtle, woven so deeply into our daily routines that they feel normal.
But recognizing them is the first step toward reclaiming who you really are.
1. You constantly seek external validation
When your sense of worth depends entirely on other people’s approval, you’re operating from a borrowed identity.
This shows up in ways that might surprise you. Maybe you post something on social media and then check obsessively for likes and comments.
Or you find yourself changing your opinion in conversations depending on who you’re talking to. I used to do this all the time. I’d shift my entire personality based on the room I walked into, like some kind of social chameleon.
2. You feel down after social interactions
Authentic connections energize you. Performing a role depletes you.
This is, in fact, well backed by experts. As noted by Newport Institute, depression is a mental health effects of suppressing your voice and identity within relationships.
It seems our mental health is directly connected to how authentically we’re able to show up in life.
If you consistently feel down after spending time with certain people or in certain environments, pay attention to that.Your energy is telling you something important.
3. You struggle to make decisions
Authentic people have an internal compass. They know what feels right for them, even when it’s difficult or unpopular.
Do you find yourself paralyzed by simple choices or constantly asking others what you should do? Well, you might have lost touch with your own preferences.
This happened to me when I was trying to decide whether to have children. I spent months asking everyone else what they thought I should do instead of sitting quietly with my own feelings about it.
The answer was there all along—I just couldn’t hear it through all the external noise.
4. You apologize for things that aren’t your fault
Excessive apologizing often masks a deeper belief that your authentic self is somehow wrong or too much. You say sorry for having emotions, taking up space, or expressing your needs.
You might even apologize for things completely outside your control, like the weather or other people’s reactions.This pattern suggests you’ve internalized the message that who you are naturally is somehow problematic.
But here’s the truth: your authentic self doesn’t need to apologize for existing.
5. Your goals feel hollow
This is a big one. When you’re living authentically, your goals emerge from your genuine interests and values.
When you’re suppressing your authentic self, your goals often come from what you think you “should” want. The promotion that leaves you feeling empty. The relationship that looks perfect on paper but feels wrong in your body. The lifestyle that impresses others but drains your soul.
6. You feel like you’re watching your life from the outside
This is perhaps the most telling sign of all.
When you’re suppressing your authentic self, you often feel disconnected from your own experience. Like you’re an actor playing a role rather than the author of your own story.
You go through the motions but don’t feel fully present or engaged.
Dr. Jennifer Beer, professor of psychology at the University of Texas, explains: “Authentic people behave in line with their unique values and qualities even if those idiosyncrasies may conflict with social conventions or other external influences.”
Living authentically means accepting that not everyone will understand or approve of your choices. And that’s exactly as it should be.
7. You feel guilty when you prioritize yourself
When you’ve spent years putting everyone else’s needs first, basic self-care can feel selfish. You might feel guilty for:
- Setting boundaries.
- Saying no to requests.
- Spending money on yourself.
- Taking time for your interests.
- Expressing disagreement.
This guilt is often a sign that you’ve been trained to believe your authentic needs and desires are less important than everyone else’s.
But as Rudá (contemporary shaman and a founder here at The Vessel) writes in his latest book:
“Their happiness is their responsibility, not yours.”
Learning to prioritize yourself isn’t selfish—it’s essential for living authentically.
Final thoughts
Recognizing these signs doesn’t mean you’re broken or that you’ve wasted years of your life. It means you’re waking up.
The path back to authenticity isn’t about dramatic life changes or burning everything down. It starts with small moments of honesty.
Saying no when you mean no.
Expressing your actual opinion in a conversation.
Choosing what you want for lunch instead of deferring to others.
As Rudá beautifully puts it: “When we stop resisting ourselves, we become whole. And in that wholeness, we discover a reservoir of strength, creativity, and resilience we never knew we had.”
Your authentic self has been waiting patiently beneath all those layers of conditioning and people-pleasing.
